SON: Do you know why birds sing in the morning?
DAD: Because they don’t have to freakin’ work?
DAD: Correct me if I’m wrong
SON: Ok
DAD: I received a call from Danny’s mom
SON: Ok
DAD: So, did you punch said Danny in the face….give him a black eye….and then whisper something in his ear….that made him cry?
SON: Yep
DAD: Right,….now, why did you clock him….and what did you say?
SON: I let him know I was tired of his bully tactics….
DAD: And?
SON: And I told him…. “I will put you in a trunk….bury you….and help people look for you….so stop playing with me”
DAD (to himself): “DAAAAMMMMN!”
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: Wow, my ex-girlfriend wants to get back together again
BRO: Really??
CUZ: Man, I sure am lucky
BRO: How so?
CUZ: First, I won the lottery and now this
BRO: Did you just fall?
CUZ: No, I attacked the floor
BRO: Backwards?
CUZ: I’m freaking talented
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDSON: The tea is really good….what’s it called again?
GRANDMA: Jack Daniels
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
BIBLE SISTER: Jesus is coming
DAUGHTER: Honestly Auntie…..what you and Jesus do in the privacy of your bedroom….is none of my business
DAUGHTER: What up kid?
SON: I’m seriously thinking about saying screw all of this….and go to Australia…..get a job at a waterpark giving people a nod to go down the slides
DAUGHTER: You do know you’re only 6-years-old
SON: And your point is what?
MOM (on the sofa, martini in hand, watching stupid teenagers ignore the “Do Not Go in The Water” sign): I think I know how it will end for me
DAD: Really?
MOM: Yep, one of our kids will unplug my life support….to charge their phone
DAD: And that would be the weird 6-year-old critter?
MOM: Definitely, and probably bring an adapter for his sister
DAD: Yeah, that’s a given
MOM: The doctor will be right back with your x-ray
PATIENT: But I never dated anyone named Ray
MOM: And I think we’ll schedule an MRI….just to see what’s under that pretty blonde hair
DAUGHTER: Dad, did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?
DAD: Well, I do believe that sweetie….I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey
MOM: Please stop talking to the children
MOM: So, do you want eggs for breakfast
SON: Nope
MOM: Eggs are great for your diet
SON: Right….and if you don’t like the taste of them…just add cocoa, baking powder, flour, sugar and butter….and bake at 350 for 30 minutes
DAUGHTER: I just texted my friends…. “Hey, I lost my phone, please call me”
MOM: And?
DAUGHTER: 6 people called me
MOM: You need smarter friends
BIBLE SISTER: The Pastor told me during the revival…. “You will walk tonight”
MOM: And did you?
BIBLE SISTER: Yes, I did….after service I went outside and my car was gone
DAUGHTER: Do you and dad argue a lot?
MOM: I can’t argue with your dad….it’s useless
DAUGHTER: Why??
MOM: Because he’s older than me and old people don’t listen
DAD: I HEARD THAT!
DAUGHTER: My best friend just told me she hates me
MOM: Really??
DAUGHTER: Yep, she said…. “Let’s sign up for a half marathon”….it’s the same thing
MOM: Why are you grinning?
SON: My personalities are arguing on how to handle a situation….the mean one is winning
DAD (whispers to mom): Are we going to need a priest when he turns seven?
SON: What ‘cha doing mom?
MOM (on the sofa with a martini): Realizing why White people die in horror films and Black people don’t
SON: How so?
MOM: Well, I love how White people in a horror movie will always yell out “Hello?”….as if the killer is gonna yell out…. “I’m in the kitchen wanna a sandwich?”
MOM: Guess who called today
DAUGHTER: Not that….
MOM: Language….and what happened this time
DAUGHTER: Well, I was asked to describe you
MOM: Whoa, what?
DAUGHTER: Yes, she asked a question….. “So, what is your mom like?”
MOM: Hold up…..(Stirs up a quick martini)…..ok, continue
DAUGHTER: So, I said…. “Well, she’s a little psycho, sarcastic, laughs too loud, loves too hard….and she will bury your ass if you mess with me”
MOM: And another reason why I love you too hard
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SISTA: Ah, love is in the air
SIS: That’s BBQ
SISTA: Never mind
SIS: How was work today?
SISTA: I wanted to kill everyone
SIS: Now, now….you must have self-control
SISTA: I’ve cooked for people I should have poisoned…..so yes, I do have self-control
SIS: What up with you?
SISTA: Just imagine how loud a centipede would be if it wore flip flops
SIS: Put…the bong…..down
SIS: You know you’re getting’ old
SISTA: And?
SIS: Maybe you should think about getting married
SISTA: And will marriage stop me from getting old?
SISTA: Well, I finally got to see my doctor on Monday and show him my rash
SIS: What did he say?
SISTA: Nothing, he ignored me and kept pushing his cart through Costco
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Guy in a bar): What’s got you smiling?
AMY: The voices in my head cracked a joke….leave me alone
(Amy’s friend): Why do you keep talking to those kids?
AMY (out to dinner with her BFF): Because I’m teaching curse words to children whose parents allow them to run around in restaurants
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307…..
SUSAN: Today, I’m wearing pink to raise awareness for….
PHONE CALL: People like you who forget to separate their reds….from their whites?
SUSAN: Hell is waiting for you
PHONE CALL: Someone’s in a crappy mood
SUSAN: Hey, back off….I have enough to deal with today….without having to make your death look like an accident
PHONE CALL: And all of that is what you’re planning to do today?
SUSAN: Yes, that’s my planned day
PHONE CALL: And how do you plan to get all the money for your planned day?
SUSAN: That’s where you come in
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
PATIENT: I’m unstoppable
THERAPIST: No, you’re unstable
PATIENT: Tomato, potato
THERAPIST: You often use humor to deflect serious trauma
PATIENT: Thank you
THERAPIST: I didn’t say that was a good thing
PATIENT: What I’m hearing is you think I’m funny?
PATIENT: People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room
THERAPIST: Ah, it’s called arson….and those people are called witnesses