SUSAN. If men disappeared for one week…..we could walk alone at 2 am, wear anything at all…..leave our drinks unattended…..travel anywhere and actually feel free
PHONE CALL: But who would protect you?
SUSAN: Protect us…..from who?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: I asked this homeless man how much he makes….standing at the intersection
BRO: What he say?
CUZ: He said he makes about $500 a day
BRO: WHAT?
CUZ: Yep, he gonna be mad……when he see me standing there beside him tomorrow
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
TEACHER: You seem a little upset today…..what’s going on?
SON: My mom is at the hospital, and my dad is at the police station
TEACHER: Oh no….I’m so sorry to hear that….would you like to go home?
SON: Yes, please
(After Son leaves the room)
TEACHER: Does anyone know why his parents are there?
(Student): Yeah…..his mom is a nurse….and his dad is doing physicals at the police station
MOM: I really worry about our economy if Trump is removed from office
DAUGHTER: Why?….because people will be partying for weeks and not show up to work
DAD: Good point….works for me
DAUGHTER: In most countries is it true if a 12-year-old is forcefully impregnated by her father….is it true she must carry the baby to term….or be forced to stay in prison for life?
(Sex Ed. Teacher): Yes, that’s true
DAUGHTER: No, it’s not….that’s Mississippi, Texas and Alabama
MOM: Gotta a question for you
BIBLE SISTER: Ok
MOM: What do you call a book club….that’s been stuck on the same book for years?
BIBLE SISTER: I really don’t know
MOM: Church
DAUGHTER: Did you two ever get tired of me and that thing over there asking questions?
MOM (Looks at Dad): You want this one?
DAD: I’d rather lay on the dining room table and surgically remove my own heart
MOM: Let’s see….how can I explain this…..ok, one time a guy hijacked a school bus…..with a gun…..filled with kindergarten aged children…..and they wouldn’t stop asking him questions….. “Why are you doing this….what kind of gun is that?…..are you a soldier?”….after only six minutes of not stop questioning…..he said “Enough” and asked the bus driver to pull over and let him off the bus…..because he could not take all the children’s questions….and that is what children’s questions do to you……questions anyone?
DAUGHTER: Nah, I’m good
SON: I’ll save my response for a later date
DAD (to himself): Oh shit.
(Expecting mother): Any parental advice?
MOM: Sure….you can say please and thank you a million times in front of your toddler….you can say it all day long over and over….hoping they will start to repeat it….and then you can say motherf…ker once….have fun.
SON: Mom?
MOM: Yes love
SON: If AI replaces all the jobs….where do corporations expect people to earn money to continue being consumers?
DAUGHTER: And I am just not understanding why that simple question is not being asked
MOM: Ask your dad
DAUGHTER: How did you know you and dad’s marriage was growing and maturing?
MOM (on the sofa with a martini watching stupid teenagers not realizing….running into the barn the killer is in…..is not a good idea):….That’s easy….it’s when your husband says he’d do anything for you….he means fighting bad guys and dragons and stuff….not folding clothes and washing dishes and house stuff
DAD (to his son):….Pay attention young lad….for the path to understanding the other thought is a long and treacherous way with many perils and dangerous roads lying ahead of thee
MOM AND DAUGHTER: “WE HEARD THAT!”
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDSON: Grandma, what do you want for Mother’s Day?
GRANDMA: The way the world is right now…..62 million addresses and a baseball bat
GRANDSON: Grab your hat….I’ll drive