……Someone said…… “The World Cup is just the U.S. having a giant sleepover….with the cousins we never see….because our parents hate each other”…..well America….welcome to The World Cup…..let me introduce you to your cousins from….
SCOTLAND……Boston bars have run out of beer because the Scots are in town….they drank the city dry….Scotland hadn’t been to the World Cup in 28 years…..when 50,000 fans arrived in Boston, the city thought it was ready…..NOT!…..Sam Adams was stocked up for the upcoming fourth of July……Hennessy’s Bar stocked up for St. Patrick’s Day…..they drank “4 times” the 4th of July volume at Sam Adams in “FOUR DAYS”…..at Hennessy’s they “TRIPLED” St. Patrick’s Day and then drank the bar dry…..a fridge door at a liquor store “BROKE” from being opened so many times…..I’ve never had a dull moment hanging out with Scottish people (and Irish and Australians and the Dutch)……the fans lit the city up……even the cops are cool…..which is nice for a city known for its racist attitude…..Scottish fans did the same thing in Köln, Germany…..over 50,000 people signed a petition to have them come back and play Germany in football again……and now Boston is asking the Tartan Army to come back every year…..it’s always a freakin’ party….one Bostonian asked a group of Scottish fans why they were in a pub when it’s 95 degrees and sunny outside…..one person told him…. “ We call pubs sunblock”….did you know many travel with a “Drinking Kilt” in case you spill a drink on it….and a “Dress Kilt?”…..I never knew that…..you want to know how loyal Scotland is to their national team?…..at 3:47 in the morning in Edinburgh….and the sun was coming up…..the pubs were full and Scotland’s fans were still watching their team play…..a few fans found Boston too expensive for the World Cup…..so they ended up coming to Providence, Rhode Island instead and they were welcomed…..and now the fans are giving back nearly $30,000 in donations to local groups….ten thousand is going to the cancer unit at Hasbro Children Hospital…..they’re also giving $6,500 to the Rhode Island Highlanders Pipe Band to fund bagpipe lessons for kids…..and covering that program for the first two years……another $6,500 is going to Scotsman Craig Ferguson who literally walked from Los Angeles to Boston to raise money for mental health services back in Scotland….$10,000 is also going towards a grass root soccer program to get underprivileged kids into sports…..the donated $1,200 to a Boston’s children organization named Horizons for Homeless Children…..the Tartan Army has pumped over $35 million dollars into the economy of Providence….and promised to give a donation to a charity in every city they visit…..Edinburgh Airport has revealed around 12,000 more Scots have passed through its gates travelling to Boston to cheer on Scotland at the World Cup…..with more Tartan Army reinforcements on their way….man, that’s an invasion.…..“NO SCOTLAND – NO PARTY……NO SCOTLAND – NO PARTY!”…..catchy tune…..Scotland….invaded, took over Boston and drank the town dry…..and partied while they did it….they marched down the streets wearing kilts and playing bag pipes….and they took over Fenway Baseball Park and turned a Red Sox baseball game into a party…..they were so loud they set a noise record of 125 decibels……and probably drank the ballpark dry…..when they were flying to Miami from Boston…..they had the flight crew partying and dancing up the aisle with them…..and guess what?…..they took over Miami…..the cops weren’t feeling the “cones” on statues thing…..the traffic cones on statues….I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean….but it was so cool….like, where are you finding all those cones?….you can’t pack one and a bagpipe, kilts…..did you make a deal with the city or stole them off the highways?…..they put a cone and a kilt on a robot…..and they cleaned up after themselves……..and sang the American national anthem during one game as they watched another country play…… gotta love ‘em…..just found out…..the “Cone Thing”….is a Glascow thing.
AND TO ALL..…Of my sister Jenny’s countrymen…..I would like to close with the words of one of the coolest Tartan Army men…..because Americans are going to miss the Scottish after the World Cup…… “We are going to have to have an annual…..one-year where the Scots just come to different cities in America…..and bring peace and love and joy…..and also there’s probably going to be a few pregnancies from the FIFA baby boom.”