IRONY….is a Pastor asking for your money to solve church problems…..and advising you to pray to solve yours
I WOULD LIKE….to give a shout out to my neighbors….for pretending they don’t hear me screaming at my kids….like a psychopath
THE UMBRELLA…..was originally going to be called brella…..but the inventor hesitated
GOOD DAY TO EVERYONE…..except for people who shoot kids for ringing their doorbell….or turning around in their driveway
MY FAVORITE DOORMAT….
WHAT….is your name?
WHAT…is your quest?
WHAT….is the air speed velocity of an anladen swallow?
DON’T CALL ME….if you’re gonna talk to your…..cousin…..mama….daddy…..grandma…..dog…..neighbor…..little sister…..best friend…..in the background
IT’S SAD…..to see people mentally enslaved …..and destroyed by religion…..yet have no proof that God exists
WHEN I GOT OLDER…..and realized the countless atrocities…..the United States has committed…..genocide, collusion…..bombing our own cities…..I used to feel a sense of security……knowing that I lived with the good guys…..and we stood for justice…..that feeling is fleeting
PARENT UPDATE: I still don’t know what I’m doing…..but they are still alive
A WOMAN….could have four broken ribs…..and massive internal injuries…..due to an epic battle with a fire-breathing dragon……and the first thing the doctor’s office wants to know is…… “What is the date of your last menstrual period?”
THERE NEEDS…..to be a lot more emphasis…..on what a child can do….instead of what he cannot do
WHEN I WAS A KID……there were two ways to die…..natural causes…..and talking back to your parents
I’M NOT GONNA LIE…..getting sucked inside the Jumanji game for 30 years….doesn’t sound too bad at this point
YOU’VE FOUGHT…..through too many yesterdays…..to not see the beauty of tomorrow
DURING….a 12 hour flight delay….my boyfriend wandered off…..when I found him he was in the middle of a Pixar movie marathon with a group of 5-year-olds…..he’s the one for me
THE PROBLEM IS SIMPLE…..kids today don’t know the fear of hearing…..leather rapidly being removed through 7 Wrangler belt loops
IT’S OK TO TALK TO YOURSELF……and ok to answer yourself…..but it’s sad when you have to repeat…..what you said because you weren’t listening
IF YOU LOOK…..at the history of mankind…..you quickly see…..that nobody learned from our history
SOMETIMES…..you can tell it’s gonna be a…..does not play well with others…..kinda day
(GRADUATION SPEECH)…… “All of our parents had sexing during the same year…..and I think that’s really great”
NOTHING BINDS YOU…..except your thoughts…….nothing limits you except your fears…..and nothing……controls you…..except your beliefs
REMEMBER IN THE MOVIE DEMOLITION MAN……where it’s the future…..and everyone’s a bunch of fat, androgynous, moomoo wearing sissies……and everything is illegal?…..yeah, not so funny now huh?
IF GUNS…..are not the “problem”…..and people are the “problem”…..why would you give the “problem” guns?
I LOVE SOCIAL MEDIA…..back in the day…..I had to insult people…..one at a time
AND MY FAVORITE…..
(MAGA Republicans just voted to cut veterans’ health benefits by 22%)……
JON STWEART….. “If you have the guts to send somebody to war…..then you better have the guts…..to take care of them once they get home.”