SUSAN: I’m thinking about getting a pet to go jogging with me
PHONE CALL: What….a turtle?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: “TWO DAYS SUSPENSION?”
DAD: I got this
MOM: “NO!”
DAD: Yes…..I do….you two teleport to another room…..we need this one….ok, let’s talk
DAUGHTER: I hate that teacher…..she sees nothing, defends nothing and agrees with what is absolutely wrong
DAD: And you had a reason to scream…..why?
DAUGHTER: Equal rights, assumptions with a touch of genetic comparisons
SON (to Mom): Oh no!
MOM (to Son): Shhhh, he might hear us
DAD: “I can hear you!”…..anyway,,,
DAUGHTER: The discussion was going fine until….we, the females….were talking about how now days we don’t feel as safe anymore when we go out, walk around….you know
DAD: Yep
DAUGHTER: So, one male mutant had the audacity to utter, “Women are just as bad as men”
MOM: Oh my God
DAD (turns around): “You can come in now”
(Mom and Son trip over each other running into the room)
DAD: Go on, let’s get to the scream part
DAUGHTER: Sorry….but I lost it…..I got up in his face and screamed, “Show me three examples of a man being gang raped by a woman…..show me one instance of women trafficking men at scale….name one law that women drafted specifically to oppress men….name one country that systematically discriminate against men more than women….show me men with melted faces from gender based acid attacks….show me the men being killed for rejecting women’s proposals….when you find those examples….we can talk about “just as bad””…..and yes, she kicked me out of the class….and didn’t even defend me nor the rights of women
DAD: I’ll talk…..
MOM: Oh, hell no….I need to speak to that woman……and she’s not going to like what I have to say
SON (to Dad): Will we have enough bail money to get her out of jail?
DAD: Depends on what they charge her with
SON: She’s gonna need a minute to calm down…..before she walks in that classroom looking homicidal
DAD: I do not want to be that teacher
DAUGHTER: What are you doing with that fly swatter?
SON: Hunting flies
DAUGHTER: Any luck?
SON: Yes, I must say….I’ve killed 3 males and 2 females
DAUGHTER: Come again?…..how can you tell them apart?
SON: Easy…..3 were on Dad’s beer can and 2 were resting on your cell phone
DAUGHTER: You look weird
SON: That I am
DAUGHTER: Explain please……I think
SON: I wanted to do something, but I forgot what it was
DAUGHTER: That’s a normal function
SON: True, but my question is…..how can the brain remember what I forgot…..but can’t remember what I forgot?
DAUGHTER (Looks at Mom and Dad): Out of all the babies in the hospital ward…..out of “ALL OF THEM”…..you chose that thing?
DAUGHTER: So Auntie….are you going to celebrate Halloween?
(Jehovah’s Witness Aunt): No, I do not partake in Pegan rituals
DAUGHTER: Why, because you don’t like random people knocking on your door?
MOM: I see that you left “To call in case of an emergency” blank
PATIENT: Well, normally, I put “Ambulance”
MOM: Ambulance, why?
PATIENT: Because no one in my family…..is going to answer a call from an unknown number
MOM: You did what?
SON: Nothing
DAD: You said something?
SON: Yes, we were on the subject called communicating with others
DAUGHTER: Mom, can I have a sip of your….
MOM: No!….and?
SON: Well, the educator standing in front of me said something quite profound…she uttered…. “To become a better conversationist…..ask a question that gives the other person….an opportunity to talk about themselves”…..and I agreed
MOM: Then?
SON: Then I turned to the maybe birth control was a better idea sitting next to me and said…. “What in the hell is wrong with you?”…..and she heard me.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: What ‘cha doin’?
SISTA: Oh,….just on the sofa…..resting and thinking
SIS: And what is the thinking topic for today?
SISTA: Well, if pigs could really fly…..I bet their wings would be delicious
SIS: Put…..the bong……down!
SIS: You gave away all the Halloween candy?
SISTA: Sure nuf
SIS: Are you high?
SISTA: That too
SIS: Why?
SISTA: Well, after I thought all the trickers had gone home….this 12-year-old kid came to the door
SIS: And?
SISTA: And he was dressed in all red…..and instead of saying “Trick or Treat”…..he said, “I’m your period, sorry I’m late”…..and he got the rest of the candy…..and restored all my faith in his generation.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDSON: Here’s a framed photo we took together….you look really good
GRANDMA: I’m at the age where I give rat crap about looking good in a photo….the only photos I want to look good in are CT scans, MRI’s and X-rays