…..I’m starting to like that Bored Panda page…..so,….
THE MOST EXCITING THING TO HAPPEN TO ME….in the past 4 months was when my dog….stepped on my phone, face timed my ex’s mom…..and just dangled his balls above the camera…..
WILL THE PASSENGER….who left the book…. “How to Improve your Memory”….please report to Gate 8….you forgot it…..
OFFICER…. “GET ON THE GROUND!!”
SUSPECT….. “This is a “DENIM BALENCIAGA JACKET!”……are you stupid?
BART STATION INTERCOM:….. “To the couple fornicating in the elevator – you are on camera.”
DOG OWNERS:
“What’s his name?”
“HER/SHE”
“Oh, sorry to misgender. What is “HER” name?
“No, his name is Hershey.”
FRIEND….So, how is dating?”
OTHER FRIEND…. “I went out with a girl last week that told me she lined up three dates in one night……because she didn’t have the energy to dress up 3 separate nights of the week.”
OLDER MAN…. “Six feet away! I said SIX FEET!”
OLDER WOMAN….. “We sleep in the same bed, asshole.”
WOMAN…. “Can I have the Pad Thai but with spinach instead of noodles? An no oil except coconut oil?”
WAITER…. “NO!”
ANTI-VAXXER YELLING OUTSIDE OF CVS….. “You don’t know what’s in the vaccine!!!”
GUY WALKING BY….. “Bitch you are LITERALLY holding a Mountain Dew
CO-WORKERS SETTING UP PRODUCTION EQUIPMENT…..
“I told you to move that six inches. Does that look like six inches to you?”
“I’m lesbian….I don’t know what six inches look like.”
AIRPLANE LANDS:
FOUR-YEAR-OLD….. “Ugh….back to real life.”
FRIEND…. “How did you find out he was cheating on you?”
OTHER FRIEND…. “Our Roomba choked on another girl’s extensions.”
OLDER COUPLE HAVING A PICNIC:
“Can you stop coughing? Everyone is staring.”
“YOUR CHICKEN IS DRY EILEEN!”
FRIEND…. “Have you ever looked through your boyfriend’s phone?”
OTHER FRIEND…. “No. But only because he has a Samsung and I don’t have time to figure that shit out.”
LADY ON THE PHONE…. “I need this pandemic to end, my eggs are expiring.”
STRANGER WALKING PASS…. “Actually, eggs are still good a few weeks after the sell-by-date”
LADY ON THE PHONE…. “That’s not what I meant!”