CUZ: I just asked the neighbor’s dog….what’s two minus two
BRO: What did the mutt say?
CUZ: Nothing
BRO: ???????????
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: Dang, that Roomba just beat me to a Cheeto I dropped on the floor
DAUGHTER: And this is how the war against the machines begins
DAUGHTER: Are you seriously drinking wine at 4 in the afternoon?
(Mom on the sofa): Hey, it’s communion somewhere in the world.
DAUGHTER: Off to school…..any worldly mother advice before I depart?
MOM: Always remember….9 months from now I could be letting you sip some wine in Italy….or you could be changing a diaper…..make good choices.
DAUGHTER: Ah,……ok?
SON: I learned something debatable in school today
DAUGHTER: And what might that be?
SON: Well, 70% of the earth is water….and none of it is carbonated
DAUGHTER: And your point is?
SON: So, that would mean….the earth is in fact, flat
DAUGHTER: You are so weird.
DAUGHTER: I don’t trust math
MOM: Why?
DAUGHTER: It’s full of problems
(mom looks at dad)
DAD: Oh what?….you helped make…..that!
DAUGHTER: My science class booked a 3-hour boat tour
MOM: I hope that boat isn’t named the “Minnow”
DAUGHTER: Huh?
(dad whispers)
DAD: You do know she didn’t get it right?
SON: We did a DNA test on a frog in school today
MOM: Really?
SON: It turns out it was part Irish….part British…and a tad Pole
MOM (talking to herself): That’s it….the genetic line ends with him
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
DAD: Hey….back from the insane asylum?
SON: Yeah, we had a lecture today…..on being tough on crime
DAD: And?
SON: I have a question for you….what do you think is a good way to be tough on crime?
DAD: Easy…..living wages, fully funded schools, affordable housing, universal healthcare….and a little empathy for those in need.
SON: So, what are you going to do when you’re retired dad?
DAD: Retired sounds way too old…..permanent weekender sounds better.
SON: What’s some good advice grandma gave you one day?
DAD: She said,…. “When one of your friends starts a sentence with…. “All we got to do is….”….y’all going to jail.”
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Guy in a bar): One of my stockbroker friends….told me, now would be a good time for me to invest in beef, vegetable and chicken
AMY: Sounds wonderful….maybe one day you’ll be a bouillianaire.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
PATIENT: My dad was a “If you got up there on your own….you can get down on your own” sort of man
THERAPIST: He sounds like a fantastic father
PATIENT: He was, but a terrible air traffic controller
THERAPIST: So, are you going out more and meeting people?
PATIENT: My back goes out more than I do
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SISTA: I swear one day I’m gonna cuss everybody out at work
SIS: Now, now…..you do know there’s a fine line between saying too much…..and saying too little.
SISTA: And I walk that line like a drunken clown at the circus