BRO: I got you a dictionary for your birthday
CUZ: Wow, I don’t know what to say
BRO: I know….that’s why I got you a dictionary
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B…..
COWORKER: How do you get to work?
BUBBA: Against my will
COWORKER: No, I mean how do you show up here?
BUBBA: Irritated as hell
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: You alright?
MOM: It’s gonna be one of those days
DAUGHTER: Why….what’s up?
MOM: Well, the voices in my head are arguing…..my imaginary friend is running around with scissors….and at one point, I think one of my personalities wandered off.
DAUGHTER: Cool,…..off to school now, have a ……day…….love ya!
SON: Dad, what’s the secret to a happy life?
DAD: Always have a trip booked to Italy.
(Mom and Dad in the kitchen) DAD: Hey you, and how was school?
SON: We learned about sharks in science class
MOM: What did you learn?
SON: A shark could swim faster than me…..but in a race, I would be faster…so in a triathlon….I guess it would come down to the bikes
DAD (whispers to mom): ….Did he find the….
MOM: No, the gummies are hiding behind our high school yearbook.
(Daughter comes in the kitchen): Hey y’all
MOM: Hi hon
DAUGHTER: Did you know muffins spelled backwards….is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
DAD: Are sure they’re…..
MOM: I’ll check
DAD: Today at lunch I saw a husband trade his plate of food with his wife….because she liked what he ordered better
MOM: Awww, that’s so sweet
SON: I would rather have a wife who can read the menu properly
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: I thought you said we were broke?
SISTA: I said bills broke….not flight and vacation broke….don’t confuse no money….with no travel money….huge difference
SISTA: Always remember, I’ve got a soft heart and a savage mouth
SIS: Yep, you’re like a Hallmark card….written by Tupac
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
THERAPIST: So, 60 years of marriage….have you ever considered divorce?
PATIENT: Oh, heavens no…..murder
THERPAIST: Huh?
PATIENT: Every single day
PATIENT: My brother didn’t take going to jail very well.
THERAPIST: Really?
PATIENT: Yeah, he refused food, threw things and yelled at everyone near by
THE RAPIST: My goodness
PATIENT: Yeah, I know
THERAPIST: So, what happened?
PATIENT: After that dramatic meltdown….we all agreed we’re never playing Monopoly again.
THERAPIST: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?
PATIENT: I have an uncle who thinks Trump is a Christian sent by God
PATIENT: I used to play sports
THERAPIST: Really, what happened?
PATIENT: I realized I could buy trophies…..now I’m good at everything
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307…..
PHONE CALL: I can’t put into words how much I love you
SUSAN; Just use cash….I understand that language