SON: Dad, what did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
DAD: You got me?
SON: Nothing
DAD: Why not?
SON: He was gladiator
DAD: I’m checking your birth certificate
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
THERAPIST: What’s the first thing you notice when someone tries to approach you?
PATIENT: The audacity
THERAPIST: No!
THERAPIST: And what do we say when we feel like this?
PATIENT: My illness is chronic….but my tits are iconic
THERAPIST: No!
THERAPIST: What do we say to people to let them know we’re welcoming them into our lives?
PATIENT: Buckle up
THERAPIST: No!
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: When I have kids, they will never….
MOM and DAD: “SPOILER ALERT”!….they will….oh, they will
MOM: You coming to the gym with me?
DAUGHTER: Nah, I’m gonna stay home and do my favorite exercises at home
MOM: And what may they be?
DAUGHTER: Well, it’s a cross between a lunge and a crunch
MOM: Really?
DAUGHTER: Yeah, it’s called “Lunch”
MOM: I hope you are fat as hell when you’re 40
DAUGHTER: Love you too….have fun.
DAUGHTER: I’m off to my make-up workshop class
MOM: Have fun and always remember….beauty comes in all shapes and sizes
DAUGHTER: Really?
MOM: Yep….small, medium, large, round, square, thick crust, thin crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings….
DAUGHTER: My God you’re so weird
DAUGHTER: Mom, what’s a good way to get out of a conversation?
MOM: Just take off one of your socks and hand it to the person who’s talking
DAUGHTER: You cannot be serious
MOM: Works for me
MOM: And how was your day?
DAUGHTER: I actually did 500 crunches today
MOM: Really?…..wow, I’m proud of you
DAUGHTER: It was a bag of Doritos….but still
MOM: I’m certain your IQ will long be memorialized….in children shoe sizes
DAUGHTER: Says the manufacturer
MOM: Dealing with people now days…..sometimes, words are not enough
SON: That’s why we have middle fingers
MOM: WHAT????
DAUGHTER: Well, I’m off to face the world
MOM: Good luck darling and always remember….if at first you don’t succeed….
DAUGHTER: Look in the trash for the instructions…..got it!
TEACHER: According to history…..not everyone thought Cleopatra was beautiful
DAUGHTER: But that’s how Julius Caesar
TEACHER: GET OUT!!!
SON: You know what?
MOM: Nope
SON: Marriage is such an interesting concept
MOM: How so?
SON: It’s like…. “I like you….wanna hang out ‘til one of us die?…..yep!”
MOM: Nice….you’re still the weirdest 6-year-old on the planet
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDSON: So, what are your plans for Halloween?
GRANDMA: I might get drunk and put up the Christmas tree
GRANDSON: I see you started your garden again
GRANDMA: Yep
GRANDSON: So, what are you growing this year?
GRANDMA: Older, ruder and more intolerant
GRANDSON: They say, apparently it takes 10,000 hours to master a skill
GRANDMA: Bullshit….I’ve been an adult longer than 10,000 hours….and I still have no idea what the hell I’m doing
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SISTA: I miss those days when I would see the sunrise after leaving a party
SIS: Really?
SISTA: Yeah….now I see the sunrise because I have to pee
SIS: Have you seen my Tik Tok?
SISTA: How old are you?….it’s called a watch
SIS: How old are you?
SIS: Are you praying before you go to work?
SISTA: Yep, I prayed…on this day let me be open and centered….and not be bat-shit crazy….but if I have to be bat-shit crazy….let it be epic
SIS: Amen
SIS: I’m going jogging…you want to join me?
SISTA: If you ever see me jogging….kill whatever the hell is chasing me
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307…..
PHONE CALL: When Christmas comes….will you kiss me under the mistletoe?
SUSAN: I wouldn’t kiss you under general anesthetic
PHONE CALL: Calm down babe, I don’t want to fight you
SUSAN: Oh, so you want to fight some other woman?….is that what it is?
PHONE CALL: Did you see I did all the dishes?
SUSAN: OMG!….I’ll start the parade
SUSAN: Oh, life is so boring
PHONE CALL: What’s wrong….you’re not expecting any packages today?
SUSAN: Nope
SUSAN: I’m so tired of waiting for water to boil to make pasta
PHONE CALL: Then why don’t you boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later
SUSAN: I want to wake up with you for the rest of my life
PHONE CALL: I wake up at 4 am
SUSAN: Never mind
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Guy in a bar): You do know money can’t buy happiness
AMY: Obviously, you’ve never been to a bookshop
(Online chat): Your profile picture inspired me to talk to you
AMY: Thank you….let me take it down
(Guy in a bar): May I ask a stupid question?
AMY: Why not….you look qualified
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B…..
POLICE: So, you saw five people beating a guy on an electric bike?
BUBBA: Yeah
POLICE: Why didn’t you help?
BUBBA: I thought five was enough
MANAGER: You were gone 8 hours on your smoke break?
BUBBA: It was a brisket
(Customer in a restaurant): I think I’ll have a lobster tail
BUBBA: Once upon a time there was a handsome lobster living in the sea…..
BOSS: We have to decorate the place for Halloween
BUBBA: This place is already a nightmare
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: I almost died in the shower today
BRO: Really?
CUZ: Yeah, I slipped and my dumbass tried to grab the water
CUZ: If there’s intelligent life out in space….why hasn’t it contacted us?
BRO: Because it’s intelligent