THERAPIST: And what do we say when we’re sad
PATIENT: Flight booked
THERAPIST: No!
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDAUGHTER: Grandma, could you tell me a bedtime story?
GRANDMA: Sure darling…..once upon a time a man asked a girl to marry him, and the girl said no…..and she lived happily ever after….and went shopping, dancing and drinking….she always had a clean house, never cooked and looked fabulous all the time….the end
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B…..
BUBBA: I’m not going to make it in today
BOSS: Is everything ok?
BUBBA: Yeah, why?
BUBBA: I’m not sure why you pulled me over….I’m just enjoying a couple of beers and cutting the grass
POLICE OFFICER: You don’t live here
BUBBA: I’m just calling to say I’ll be late
BOSS: How late?
BUBBA: About 24 hours
BUBBA: Well, I’m ready to go
BOSS: You just got here
CUSTOMER: Why do they have you working on holidays?
BUBBA: Bro, because you’re in here
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Guy in a bar): You’re too pretty to be single
AMY: Hang on,…let me over think that
(Co-worker): You wanna join me for a drink after work?
AMY: Sorry, I have to go home because I have an avocado that’s about to go bad
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: I just saw Superman at the cinema
DAD: Really?….what movie was he watching?
SON: I heard on the news that the world is $217 trillion dollars in debt
DAD: What?…..who the hell do we owe….the Decepticons?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAD: Hello darling…..and how was your school day today?
DAUGHTER: Ugh
DAD: Meaning?
DAUGHTER: You know…..I love Bruce Lee
DAD: Really?……how come?
DAUGHTER: Because he studied art and poetry…..and decided the most beautiful form of self-expression is……punching someone in the face
DAD (whispers): You are definitely genetically linked to your mother
MOM: “I HEARD THAT!”
MOM: Now remember we should thank them for inviting us
DAUGHTER: Why?….you didn’t want to come in the first place
MOM: Shut up
DAUGHTER: Knees weak, arms are heavy…..ready to leave school already
(Classmate): That’s not what Eminem said
DAUGHTER: Whatever…..
(Patient ready to give birth to a child): You’re a mom right?
MOM: Yes, I am…..two times
PATIENT: What’s the best parental advice you can give a new mom?
MOM: I can give you two, but you must promise to remember them and live by them
PATIENT: Ok
MOM: So, number one…..before your child turns three….make sure that little pain in the ass understands the words…. “Hell no!”……and number two…..beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted
PATIENT: Why?
MOM: They’re about to ask to borrow money
MOM: What are you doing home???
SON: I told my teacher I was going to the bathroom…..but I didn’t say which one so now I’m home
MOM: WHAT?…..boy, if you don’t git yo……
DAUGHTER: Mom, are you an organ donor?
MOM: Of course I am….who wouldn’t want a piece of this
DAUGHTER: Mom?
MOM: (on the sofa with a martini)….Yes darling?
DAUGHTER: What’s your favorite musical?
MOM: 8 Mile
DAUGHTER: Mom, when you retire in like 80 years…..what will you do?
MOM: 80 huh?….well, after all this parenting…..I think I’ll become a hostage negotiator…..it seems less stressful
SON: Dad, who is a man?
DAD: A man takes care of his family
SOSN: One day I’m gonna be a man like mom
BIBLE SISTER: You need to let me bring the kids to my church
MOM: For heaven’s sake why would I want them to suffer through that?
BIBLE SISTER: Because it seems like they’ll grown up to be blasphemous heathens only interested in fun
MOM: Oh God, I do hope so
MOM: Good morning gorgeous….have a good day
DAUGHTER: Don’t tell me what to do
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN (massaging his head): Before we got together who massaged your head?
PHONE CALL: Before we got together…..I never had headaches
SUSAN: You seem happier
PHONE CALL: Thanks, I uploaded our argument to ChatGPT….and it said I was right
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS. What are you doing?
SISTA: Puffing on the sofa….watching Matrix on rewind….and practicing how I’m gonna explain to the aliens….that baseline and Vaseline….do not sound the same
SIS: What the hell is wrong with you?
SISTA: You wanna puff?
SIS: NO!!!!
SIS: You want to hear what water gives me?
SISTA: Shoot
SIS: Clean skin….weight loss….headache relief….reduced anxiety….more energy….and better money
SISTA: Really?….you wanna know what water gives me
SIS: Yeah
SISTA: Pee
SIS: I’m not making any progress with my “bucket list”
SISTA: Change the “B” to “F”…..and you’ll feel better about it
SISTA: Why are you smiling?
SISTA: My boyfriend cheated on me with a married woman and the husband beat him up