THIS SUMMER….just because the deodorant says 48hrs…..it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
ANTISTALKING (v)…..Learning a person’s routine in order to avoid them
I COME HOME….and my dog peed a little……because he was happy to see me…..none of my friend’s pee when they see me
I JUST MIGHT….popped down to the local toy store…..and see if they can find my freakin’ marbles
YOU KNOW YOU’RE OVER 50…..when you get up off the sofa to get your reading glasses….do six other things….forget your glasses….and sit down on the sofa again
EVER LOOK…at someone and think….why hasn’t someone hit you with a shovel yet?
IF I GO SILENT…when I’m angry….it means I’m scared of me….not you
THEY CALL IT…. “Me time”….I call it eating a cookie in secret….before someone screams “MOM” again
THERE ARE….actual racist who will claim….they aren’t racist because they have “mixed kids”….you know who else had mixed kids?….. “SLAVE OWNERS!”
IF YOU HAVE TO BUY STUFF….to store your stuff…..you might have too much stuff
LIFE HACK:….Allow yourself 8-12 hours of alone time…..every morning to prepare for the day
MUSIC…is the closest thing….we have to a time machine
IN A WORLD….full of kale and quinoa….be the chocolate cake
TODAY….I’m going to give it my almost
I DON’T HAVE….a swear jar…..because I don’t make enough money to keep my mouth shut
PLEASE…..get to the point…..my ability to look like I’m interested….is starting to wear off
I KNOW….I’m a hand full….but that’s why you have two hands
HOW SOON…..after getting up….is it okay to take a nap?
BASED ON MY CALCULATIONS……I can retire…..about 5 years after I die
SHE IS HAPPIER…..putting freshly cleaned bedding on her bed….getting into her PJ’s….and watching TV….than she is to go out…..I am she
I’M NOT….a morning person or a night person…..there are a few minutes in the afternoon…..where I’m decent and that’s about it
SOONER OR LATER….a person who wears two faces….forgets which one is real
INSTEAD…of replying to her rude comments…..I highlighted all of her grammatical error and sent back a note saying…. “Listen girl, I can’t read this….try again”
AND MY FAVORITE…..
DEAR AMERICA….We are doing just fine up here without you, thanks….we’re drinking our own booze…..vacationing in our own stunning backyards….making new trade friends…..and our economy’s outpacing the G7…..no hard feelings….we’ve just moved on…..Sincerely, Canada