CUZ: I was just kicked out of the hospital
BRO: What happened this time?
CUZ: Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something completely different
CUZ: Look, I have a prescription to drink beer all weekend
BRO: That’s a receipt
CUZ: Look, I brought my Easter basket
BRO: Isn’t that a beer cooler?
CUZ: Thank you for being friends with me
BRO: A baffling decision….but you’re welcome
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SISTA: Is this gathering BYOB?
SIS: We’re in church
SIS: What are you doing?
SISTA: Having a glass of wine
SIS: That’s a bottle
SISTA: The bottle is made of glass
SISTA: Dear Lord, please give me the strength to not throat punch one of these people today
CO-WORKER: We can hear you
SISTA: Well, I’ve had enough of this week
SIS: Ah, it’s only 8 am on a Monday
SISTA: Remember our vacation to Italy?
SIS: Do you mean the time you got drunk at Olive Garden?
SIS: Tell me something I don’t know
SISTA: The past tense of William Shakespeare…..would be Wouldiwas Shookspeared
SIS: Are you high?
SIS: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight
SISTA: Ok, but if you get back before me……leave the light on
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: Why would you want a sports car?….there’s no room for the kids
DAD: I rest my case
DAUGHTER: Is my driving scaring you?
MOM: Nope, this poop was already in my pants
MOM: These murder documentaries are so interesting
DAD: So, you wanna tell me why you’re taking notes?
MOM: Your teacher called me, and she sounded really pissed off
DAUGHTER: I was just showing the new kid around the school
MOM: She said you introduced him to everyone as your Make-A-Wish kid
MOM: Do you remember the secret phrase to leave early?
DAD: Yes, I say….. “I believe my wife pooped her pants”…..very loudly
MOM: I hate you
DAUGHTER: I can count on one hand how many new friends I want to make
MOM: That’s your middle finger
MOM: For your birthday I got reservations at a hotel that has a water park and an arcade
DAD: I’m sure the kids will enjoy that
MOM: Kids?
SON: This has become a hostile environment and I’m not sure how much more I can take
MOM: All I said was we should have a salad for dinner
(Meeting a couple attending a hospital affair)
COUPLE: So, how did you meet your husband?
MOM: He burned me at the stake in 1645…..and I swore revenge in another life
COUPLE (Gasp): Oh!…..(and walks away)
DAD: You never cease to amaze me
MOM: I know…..drink?
(Attending a hospital affair)
FELLOW NURSE: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
MOM (pointing): Isn’t that your third husband?
DAUGHTER: Morning….
MOM: Ah, what fresh hell awaits
DAUGHTER: Huh?
MOM: I mean good morning sunshine
(Auditioning for the part of Juliet)
ROMEO: But soft….what light through yonder window breaks…..it is the east, and Juliet is the sun….arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
DAUGHTER: Stop crushing my roses….and get the fuck off my lawn
TEACHER: GET OUT!!!
(Later….)
MOM: I just received a call from your teacher…..Juliet
DAUGHTER: Finally, I’ve been waiting for you…..I’m starving
MOM: Oh I’m sorry….did I take the kitchen with me?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDSON: I just saw on the news that they’re suggesting that people check on the elderly
GRANDMA: Fine with me….tell them I’m usually up by 6 or 6:30…..and bring donuts
GRANDMA: Look, I’m drinking more water
GRANDSON: That’s whiskey
GRANDMA: With ice
GRANDMA: I had the chance to be the bigger person today
GRANDSON: And?
GRANDMA: I wasn’t
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day
PHONE CALL: I too wish that you were a newspaper…..so I could have a new one every day
PHONE CALL: The doctor’s note said I should have Dailysex
SUSAN: It says you have dyslexia
SUSAN: Why should I check on my mother?
PHONE CALL: With all these tornadoes….you should make sure a house didn’t land on her
PHONE CALL: My hand is asleep
SUSAN: Then why is it on my boob?
PHONE CALL; It’s sleepwalking
SUSAN: We’re seeing my family today…..so how many beers will it take for you to be social?
PHONE CALL: Whiskey
SUSAN: Remember when you said you’d do this?
PHONE CALL: If I remembered, don’t you think I’d done it by now?
SUSAN: No
PHONE CALL: Well played
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: How must of an allowance did y’all get per week as a teen?
DAD: I was allowed to live there
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
CO-WORKER: You should find a substitute for caffeine
AMY: I have…..it’s murder