GRAND DAUGHTER: I love walking in the woods with you grandma
GRANDMA: I love walking with you dear
(Bird): Tweet, tweet….chirp, tweet….chirp, chirp
GRAND DAUGHTER: Did you hear that?….I bet it’s a bird love song
GRANDMA: I’m sure it is
(Bird): “GOT THE F’*CK OUT OF MY TREE LARRY….YOU §”%HOLE….OR I WILL PECK YOU F’´$KING EYES OUT”
GRANDSON: What’s the most important thing you’ve done this year?
GRANDMA: Survived
(Grandma’s friends): Hi, how are you….we never see you around anymore
GRANDMA: I know….I make sure of it
GRANDSON: How are you today Grandma?
GRANDMA: I’m tired
GRANDSON: They say you’re as old as you feel
GRANDMA: Then I am an exhumed mummy
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
BOSS: What on earth are you doing?
BUBBA: Watching a tutorial on effectively dealing with co-workers
BOSS: That’s a kickboxing video
BUBBA: Yep, it sure is
BUBBA (first day working as a waiter):
CUSTOMER: Is the Vegan Burger made from real Vegans?
BUBBA: Yes, killed this morning
COP: Have you seen anything unusual?
BUBBA: A dolphin with a hat once
COP: I mean around here
BUBBA: Nah….they live in water
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: One day machines will be as smart as people
DAD: Ok…..but which people?
SON: Dad?
DAD: Son?
SON: Do you lie
DAD: As in lying down?
SON: No, not tell the truth
DAD: That depends….you can tell someone something….and it’s not the truth…..and it’s not a lie
SON: Ok, give me an example…..lie to me
DAD: Alright….yoga pants are the worst design ever created
SON: Really?
DAD: No!
SON: Dad, my science teacher said we are not alone in the universe
DAD: Yep
SON: So how come no one’s seen an alien?
DAD: Because they’re avoiding us intentionally
SON: Are you sleeping?
DAD: No, I just closed my eyes, and I travelled far away
SON: But you were snoring
DAD: I travel by tractor
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Guy in a bar): Just to let you know…..I can be anything you want me to be
AMY: Be quiet
TEXT: Can I call you and cry
AMY: When you were laughing….did you call me?
TEXT: You want to meet for a coffee on Sunday?
AMY: Can’t….Sundays are when I focus my anxieties…..on several unpleasant hypothetical situations that could happen this week
(Guy in a bar): I can picture us walking down the aisle together
AMY: Highly unlikely….I do all my shopping online
(Guy in a bar): You’re so funny
AMY: Thanks….I used to get pulled out of class to go color with a random lady
(Co-worker): Sometimes I find you so offensive
AMY: Then I suggest you stop finding me
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: Look at those two old drunks…..that’s us in 10 years
BRO: That’s a mirror you dipshit
CUZ: Are you good at math?
BRO: Sure
CUZ: Ok, then what is 3 flowers plus 3 flowers
BRO: 6 flowers
CUZ: Good, what is 7 flowers plus 6 flowers?
BRO: 13 flowers
CUZ: Ok, now tell me….what is 25,583 flowers plus 23,430 flowers
BRO: A garden
CUZ: So, do you want my opinion about your problem?
BRO: If I wanted a second opinion, I’d ask myself again
CUZ: How do you know when you’re too drunk to drive
BRO: When you swerve to miss a tree…..then realize it was your air-freshener
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: Mom, there’s a beetle crawling across the ceiling
MOM (On the sofa with a martini): Is it Paul or Ringo
DAUGHTER: Seriously?…..help
MOM: I need somebody
DAUGHTER: MOM!!!!….you are so weird
MOM: Thank you for understanding
DAD: What’s wrong?
MOM: I just realized something
DAD: And what was that?
MOM: Our kids can’t hear me when I call their names….but they can hear me open a bag of chips….from three rooms away
MOM: So, how’s your special diet going?
DAUGHTER: Well since giving up carbs….I’ve been feeling a bit…..oh, what’s that word?….homicidal
DAUGHTER: Listen, you need to get up off that sofa and exercise more
MOM (On the sofa with a martini): My nose runs does that count?
DAUGHTER: Just to let you know….I rinsed out a Ziplock bag to be reused later….because it wasn’t dirty
MOM: Oh my goodness….you’re turning into a parent
PATIENT: Nurse, will I be alright?
MOM: Let’s see….Mercury is in Uranus right now
PATIENT: I don’t do that astrology stuff
MOM: Me neither….my thermometer just broke
DAD: The tea tasted really good this morning
MOM: Thanks
DAD: What’s it called?
MOM: Jack Daniels
DAUGHTER: Ugh….I’m so tired
MOM: Always remember darling…what doesn’t kill you….makes you….
DAUGHTER: The proud owner of a bunch of unhealthy coping mechanisms….and an alarmingly dark sense of humor
MOM: Exactly!
MOM: Are you surprised at how little people change?
DAUGHTER: Actually, the process is the same….they just have tiny clothes
MOM: I seriously hate you
MOM: There were times…..I worried your dad would find a better wife than me
DAUGHTER: Trust me mom…..that man can’t find anything
SON: My science teacher told us….we received a radio signal from space in 1977 that lasted 72 seconds….and to this day we still don’t know exactly where it came from
DAUGHTER: I bet it came from space
MOM: Why are you smiling?
DAUGHTER: The voices in my head cracked a joke….leave me alone
(School classmate): You do know most people think you’re arrogant
DAUGHTER: Who cares what peasants think
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
PATIENT: I came home yesterday to find my husband has been on eBay all day
THERAPIST: Really?
PATIENT: Yeah, and if he’s still on it tomorrow….I will have to lower the price
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation
PHONE CALL: Wow, I bet you’re worried shitless
SUSAN: We’re leaving in 5 minutes
PHONE CALL: Cool, let me start a new craft….spill beer on the floor….and loose a shoe
PHONE CALL: Are you still mad?
SUSAN: Nope
PHONE CALL: I love you
SUSAN: Good for you
SUSAN: Honey, how do I look
PHONE CALL: With your eyes
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: How are you?
SISTA: I’m fine
SIS: You don’t look fine
SISTA: Then stop looking
SISTA: I wanted to shave my private area, and I used my phone as a mirror
SIS: Really?….did it work?
SISTA: I went great….until I started getting likes on Facebook
SIS: You do know you can’t just drink your problems away
SISTA: Cheers, I’ll drink to that
SIS: So, what’s your body count?
SISTA: For what?
SIS: People you’ve slept with
SISTA: Ohhh!….I thought you saw the basement
SIS: What?
SISTA: What?
SIS: You want a grape?
SISTA: Nope
SIS: Why not?
SISTA: I’m not into consuming wine in pill form
SIS: Wow, I love your lip gloss…..what is it?
SISTA: Pizza grease