BACK IN MY DAY…..we didn’t wear helmets….we’d just lie there unconscious…..until someone came to get us for dinner

I GOT MY WIFE….to help me put some posts in the ground…..for our new fence….I gave her the hammer and said…. “When I nod my head you hit it”…..I don’t remember much after that

I’’VE SKIPPED….right past the….old enough to know better stage….and move right into the….who cares stage

GETTING OUT OF BED….would be 10 times easier….if there was a Caribbean ocean….and 85-degree weather waiting outside for you

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU….but I’ve thought about running away….more as an adult….than I ever did as a kid

I DON’T KNOW WHO NEEDS….to hear this….but the kitchen scissors…. “STAY IN THE KITCHEN!”

I’M STARTING MEETINGS AT MY HOUSE….for people who have OCD….I don’t have it….I’m just hoping they’ll take a look around…..and start cleaning

BAR AND BRA….Same letters….different words….but both keep men eagerly waiting till they open

I ALMOST HAD A…. “I need a man” moment….but then I was able to get the whiskey bottle open myself

I DON’T KNOW….who is writing my story….but they got to throw in a win somewhere….or put the pen down….dammit, I need a break

I CAN’T STAND…..when my daughter acts….just like me

IT’S STARTING….to get hot…..so wear deodorant….and watch how you talk to me

I’M STILL HAVING TROUBLE….keeping track of what kind of crimes will get you deported…..without a trial…..and what kind of crimes….will get you elected President of the United States

DEAR SANTA……Cash!

FOR THE LADIES….who are waiting for their prince on a white horse….don’t give up…..with the recent rise in gas prices….it can happen any second now

DRUNK PEEING WITH FRIENDS…..is such a bonding moment

TODAY….let’s just take it one WTF at a time

LIFE IS LIKE A BOOK…..some chapters are sad, some are happy and some are exciting….but if you never turn the page….you will never know what the next chapter…..has in store for you

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ASK….me what I did yesterday…..I don’t know….I breathed a lot….probably got mad at something….sighed heavily….the list goes on

I THOUGHT MY NEW GIRLFRIEND…might be the one….but after looking through her knicker drawer….and finding a nurse’s outfit….a French maid outfit….and a policewoman’s outfit….I finally decided…..if she can’t hold down a job….she’s not for me

AND MY FAVORITE:

I HATE SMALL TALKS….I want to talk about aliens, magic, death, atoms, intellect, the meaning of life, faraway galaxies…..the lies you told, your flaws, your favorite scents, your childhood…..what keeps you up at night, your insecurity and fears…..I like people with depth, who speak with emotion, a twisted mind….I don’t what to know what’s up!