SUSAN: Did you know….25% of women are being treated for mental illness?
PHONE CALL: So that means…..75% are walking around unmedicated?
SUSAN (Text): I’m on my way….what should I bring?
PHONE CALL (Text): A good mood
SUSAN (Text): I’m not coming
PHONE CALL: So how do you like the way I hung the new mirror in the bathroom?
SUSAN: You’re 6’2”…..I’m 5’1
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
THERAPIST: And what do you do we do when we’re angry
PATIENT: I make voodoo dolls
THERAPIST: No!
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
TEXT: You busy?
AMY: No, why?
(Incoming video call)….
AMY: Jesus H. Christ
(Guy in a bar):….Hey, it’s nice to meet you
AMY: Give it time
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want this job?
AMY: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
COWORKER: Going anywhere nice on your day off?
AMY: Yeah, away from you
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: What’s up?…..you ok?
MOM (3rd martini): I am so out of whack
DAUGHTER: Maybe you should go online…..and order some more whack
MOM: Slapping you upside your head is still legal in the state
DAD: Ok, I’ve been staring at you for over an hour…..what are you doing?
MOM: I’ve been trying to remember what I’m looking for…..and came to the realization that I need to call my doctor…..because I’m suffering from CRS
DAD: CRS?…..what is that?
MOM: Can’t Remember Shit
MOM: Good morning darling….how are you?
DAUGHTER: I wish I was still asleep…..and yet, here I am
STRANGER ON THE STREET: Excuse me…could you please tell me…how to get to 425 Franklin Street please?
DAUGHTER: Oh for sure….so what you’re gonna wanna do is….type the address into your phone….and then do what it says
MOM: You ok dear?
DAUGHTER: Just worried about my future
MOM: Don’t worry baby….you’re going places
DAUGHTER: Yeah, probably an asylum
MOM: But I am predicting the future right now
DAUGHTER: Really?…..what do you see?
MOM: You’re buying lunch
DAUGHTER: Not funny
MOM: Ok, tonight you pick dinner
DAD: Pizza
MOM: No
DAD: Tacos
MOM: No
DAD: Subs
MOM: No
DAD: Then what do you want?
MOM: It’s up to you
MOM: Did you finish your math homework?
DAUGHTER: You mean the homework you were supposed to help me with?
MOM: I was?
DAUGHTER: Ah, yeah…..anyway, I called your brother…..my uncle living across the country to help me.
MOM: Really??
DAUGHTER: Yep, he even stopped what he was doing at work to help me
MOM: Well, I guess my job is done here
DAUGHTER: So who’s your favorite kid…..me….or that other one?
MOM: I don’t have a favorite darling….but there is one….I try extra hard not to wake up
DAUGHTER: Mom; if you had to choose between the love of your life…..which is dad….or a credit card…..with no limit….and you never have to payback…..which one would you choose?
MOM: Visa….or Mastercard?
MOM: Did I hear the paramedics in the hallway?
DAD: Yeah, our neighbor down the hall passed out
MOM: What happened?
DAD: His wife told him he was right
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDSON: Grandma, what’s good for headaches?
GRANDMA: Staying away from the MF…..who gave it to you
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
BUBBA: Hi, do you take walk-ins?
THE MORGUE: What?
POLICE: Where are you going tonight?
BUBBA: With you….once you run my name
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
(Doorbell)……
SISTA: I got it……thank you
SIS: What’s that?
SISTA: The Dating Agency finally found my perfect match
SIS: Who….the delivery guy?
SISTA: No….this case of wine
SIS: How come you look so happy?
SISTA: Booze…..lots of booze
SIS: It’s vacation time….when was the last time you flew?
SISTA: Right off the freaking handle….and there’s another potential flight on the way
SISTA: I’m never babysitting your sister’s stupid kids ever again
SIS: What happened this time?
SISTA: They woke up fighting
SIS: Why?
SISTA: Because the little one thought his sister ripped a big hole in his pillowcase
SIS: ok….?
SISTA: That little dumbass wasn’t aware that all pillow cases…..require a big gaping hole….to insert the damn pillow in…..the idiot.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: Guess what?
BRO: I have no idea
CUZ: I want to open a restaurant that fuses…..Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine
BRO: Oh really?….and what would you call your new restaurant?
CUZ: I’d call it…. “Wok Like an Egyptian”