AMY: I just fired myself from cleaning my house……I don’t like my attitude…..and I got caught drinking on the job
AMY: I found my first grey pubic hair today…..normally, things like this don’t bother me…..but it was in my Big Mac
AMY: The only thing we have to fear….is fear itself…..and stupid….we should be scared shitless….of stupid
TEXT: Happy one year of dumping me
AMY: And here’s to many more
AMY: It’s not a Sunday…..unless you completely waste it…..and then feel sad around 8pm
AMY: I know it’s almost time for my period…..when I’m crying watching King Kong vs Godzilla
AMY: I hate when I receive that confirmation email…..telling me all my drunk Amazon purchases…..have been shipped
AMY: I really tried to behave….but there were too many other options
AMY: That stripper that fell off the pole…..already has a 20k…..in her gofundme…..I fell at work once……and all I got was a drug test from HR
AMY: By the end of the day….my bra has enough crumbs in it….to lead Hansel and Gretel home
AMY: Are mashed potatoes…..just Irish guacamole?
AMY: When I was five….I found out my grandpa had a twin….when I saw him after my grandpa’s funeral…..I freaked out….a little heads up would’ve been nice…..you think?
AMY: You ever forget what you’re doing…..and just stand there loading?
AMY: Sometimes I think I want to have a baby….and then I realize I am not even responsible enough for white jeans
AMY: The best thing I heard today…..was a pregnant woman arguing with her partner and she said….. “I have two brains and you only have one”
AMY: If the human population held hands around the equator…..a significant portion of them would drown
AMY: My 6ish-year-old niece was once handing notes to everyone in the family…..that said, “I love you”…..but when I opened mine…..it said,…. “I like you”
STRANGER: Do you mind if I share this table with you?
AMY: No, not at all
STRANGER: (One minute later)…..So, are you a coffee lady….or a tea lady?
AMY: Whoa…..we didn’t agree to a conversation
AMY: I use to look out for people….now I just look out for people
AMY: I can’t decide which is worse….the fact that he sent me a message saying….. “Let’s break up”……or that he followed it with another one saying….. “Sorry, that wasn’t meant for you”
AMY: Did you know….you can put booze in a cough syrup bottle…..and do shots at work….and as a bonus…..people will stay away from you…..because they think you’re sick
AMY: I just saw a homeless man with a sign that said….. “This could be you one day”…..so, I took my $2 dollars back….in case he’s right
AMY: Today was a really bad day….my ex-mother-in-law was hit by a cab…..and I lost my job as a cab driver
AMY: My aunt accidentally sent us one of her thongs…..with a bunch of old clothes she was getting rid of….my mom caught me using it as a slingshot
AMY: I found my mom’s vibrator one time…..and got caught beating eggs with it
AMY: I may not miss a lot of things…..but I do miss my mind
AMY: I just got an emotional support animal….it’s a pig….not a whole pig….okay,….it’s bacon
AMY: I met a kid outside the mall crying….he said he lost $200 dollars…..so I gave him $40…..from the $200 I found…..when God blesses you…..you must bless others
AMY: I’m sorry daddy…..I’ve been a bad girl
PRIEST: For the last time….it’s forgive me Father for I have sinned
AMY: This is total bullshit….when Sleeping Beauty spends all day in bed….she’s a beautiful princess…but when I do the same…..I’m clinically depressed