SON: The film Magic Mike grossed 167 million….if you still think girls like dad bods….keep dreaming dad

DAD: Shrek grossed 484 million…..just so we’re clear

SON: Dad, I’m going to a party tonight

DAD: Will you be drinking?

SON: No

DAD: Will you be doing drugs?

SON: No

DAD: Will you be having sex?

SON: No

DAD: Then why the fuck are you going?

SON: What’s wrong with you?

DAD: I was reading the newspaper and realized…..there are some people in this world….who would want a refund for a bag of M &M’s…..because they had “W’s” on them

SON: What would happen if a man took birth control pills?

DAD: He wouldn’t get pregnant…..WTF is wrong with you?

SON: Why do you stay in the car…..for minutes after we arrive home?

DAD: To prepare for the stress

SON: Why are you doing that with your hand?

DAD: I’m looking for my scissors

SON: You need to make scissor motions with your hand…..in order to find your scissors?

DAD: Yes….somehow it helps to find something when you mimic the motions…..you make when you’re using that object

SON: Oh….ok….so, what motion do you make…..when you’re looking for toilet paper?

SON: Why is my sister named Rose?

DAD: Because your mom loves roses…..but you already knew that Cocaine

DAD: It’s 10 pm where are you?

SON: I’m in a dark alley with my drug dealer…..trying to get a good deal…..on a new batch of weed

DAD: As long as I know where you are

SON: Dad, you remember you gave me your old phone?

DAD: Yes?

SON: Well, I was playing around with it

DAD: Yeah?

SON: Nice pictures of mom

DAD: Shit!

DAD: Son, do you need anything from the store?

SON: Yeah,….could you pick me up some condoms…..I have a date tonight

DAD: Son

SON: Yeah dad?

DAD: You realize that you can’t get your hand pregnant

SON: When I’m older….I’m gonna get a nose job…..so my future kids will be born….with naturally small noses

DAD: You’re not the dumbest person alive….but you better pray they don’t die

SON: Just so you know….I’m not as dumb as I look

DAD: Yeah,….but how could you be?

SON: (text)…..Hey dad….what’s up?

DAD: Gas prices

SON: Ha funny….I meant like…..what are you doing?

DAD: Your mom

SON: I want to move out