DAUGHTER: Finally, you’ve entered the digital age and got a smartphone…..how is it?…..Mom?…..Hellooooo??……Why aren’t you answering??
MOM: Howdoyoudoaspace
DAUGHTER: Why can’t trees give off something useful like WiFi?
MOM: So just fuck oxygen right?
DAUGHTER: Mom, why is marijuana illegal?….making a plant illegal is like God was wrong
MOM: Making a plant illegal….was one of the first things God did
DAUGHTER: Mom, where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MOM: Listen, I’m just trying to make it to Friday
DAUGHTER: Can I have your purses when death happens?
MOM: When every bone in my body hurts…..and my skin hurts…..yes, you can have my purses and all the crap in them
DAUGHTER: I’ll take your clothes too
MOM: Ok
DAUGHTER: Today, Mrs. Watson gave me detention…..just because my shirt was untucked!!…..this is your fault
MOM: How is that my fault?
DAUGHTER: Because she hates you….she even called me by your name….while she was yelling at me
DAUGHTER: What’s the first thing you notice when someone tries to approach you?
MOM: The audacity
DAUGHTER: Mom, no!
TEXT: Hi, I’m looking for a babysitter ASAP…..I’m paying $125.00 per week….and I’ll provide all that is needed for the child’s care
DAUGHTER: What are the hours like?
TEXT: 5am until 6pm
DAUGHTER: Ah, ok…..so 52 cents per hour…..good luck!
MOM: So, what’s your favorite color?
DAUGHTER: Stop asking stupid questions…..and ask me something logical & mature
MOM: How many moles of sodium bicarbonate…..are needed to neutralize….0.8 ml of sulphuric acid at STP?
DAUGHTER: My favorite color is pink
DAUGHTER (Text): We should go to IHOP today…..it’s free pancake day
MOM: Who’s dis…..besides I’m happily married with 5 kids…..and I don’t think my husband would like if I went out to eat with you…..besides, that I wouldn’t waste my time with you…..since you want to take me out only cause it’s FREE
DAUGHTER: Mom, this is Gracie
DAUGHTER: I was so embarrassed…..I was walking down the sidewalk…..and a rat was just like…..walking next to me and it looked like we were together
MOM: Did you consider…..that maybe the rat was embarrassed too?
DAUGHTER: It’s just the worst when working women wear running shoes with their work clothes…..it looks awful
MOM: Yeah, how dare women commute in comfort…..before putting on the uncomfortable shoes….that society deems appropriate…..that’s the worst thing ever
MOM: What’s wrong with you?…..why are you laughing so hard?
DAUGHTER: I just put on my solar system T-shirt…..and it has “Uranus” on it
DAUGHTER: Is there any sort of book subscription for kids that exists…..where you order books and once you’ve read them….you return them and get more?
MOM: It’s called a library…..(Lord help me!)