ONLY IN AMERICA…..do people accept weather predictions from a rodent…..but deny climate change evidence…..from scientists
TELL ME YOUR STORY….show me your wounds…..and I’ll show you what love sees when love looks at you…..hand me the pieces…..broken and bruised……and I’ll show you what love sees….when love sees you
THE BIBLE AND THE QURAN…..both tell us to love one another….the Kama Sutra…..is a little more specific
FLORIDA…..is basically 1930’s Germany…..with theme parks
WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME….. “God has blessed you with the gift of music”…..you’re damn right I get offended……I did not practice hours a day for eighteen years…..to have my success attributed to a myth
WHITE CHILD: I thought your people celebrated Black History in the month of February?
BLACK CHILD: Nope….that month is for y’all…..we celebrate all year long
I GET UP EVERY MORNING…..and dust off my wits…..open the paper and read the obits…..if I’m not there…..I know I’m not dead…..so I eat a good breakfast…..and go back to bed
I WILL UNFRIEND…..uncousin, uncoworker, unfollow, unfamily…..a draining soul real quick
JOB INTERVIEWER: Your resume says that you’re quick in mathematics…..what’s 17×19
ME: 35
JOB INTERVIEWER: That’s not even close
ME: But it was quick
SHIN…(n)…..a device for finding furniture in the dark
ALL THE UPS AND DOWNS…..are grace in different wrappings…..sent to refine consciousness…..say thanks to them all
THE LAST TIME LIECHTENSTEIN WENT TO WAR…..they sent 80 soldiers and came back with 81…….they came home with an Italian soldier…..whom they befriended…..he said he wanted to live in Liechtenstein
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER: Memory was something you lost with age……an application was for employment……a program was a TV show…..a cursor used profanity…..a keyboard was a piano…..a web was a spider’s home…..a virus was the flu…..a CD was a bank account…..a hard drive was a long trip on the road….a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
GREAT T-SHIRT……I love being Black……shit’s kinda dangerous…..but it’s dope!
LET YOURSELF FAIL……and try again
I AM NOT…..what you think I am…..you are what…..you think I am
THE WORST THING…..you can do while cleaning up…..is sit down for a minute
IF YOU FEEL PAIN…..you’re alive…..if you feel other people’s pain……you’re a human being
FOOTBALL LOGIC…..if our team scores a touchdown……while you’re in the bathroom…..you have to stay in there for the rest of the game
IF YOU WANT TO HEAR…..the sound of the bird…..don’t buy a cage…..plant a tree
TO ACCUSE…..Kevin McCarthy of “selling out”…..is to imply, falsely…..that he ever had any integrity……to sell
HE TOLD ME ….he was a musician……but he’s a bass player
CONCERNING THE DIFFERENCE……between man and the jackass…..some observers hold that there isn’t any…..but this wrongs the jackass
BEST FRIEND: I think you have a deep-rooted fear of marriage……do you know the symptoms?
FRIEND: I can’t say I do
BEST FRIEND: Well, that’s one of them
ONE OF THE SADDEST THINGS IN THE WORLD…..is to see a child grow up…..hating their father…..just because they’ve only heard…..one side of the story
THE JOB OF THE CONSCIOUS…..is to make the unconscious…..conscious
YOU’RE ALL WRONG…..the earth isn’t flat or round…..it’s fucked
DAD OF THE YEAR AWARD…..two guys were bothering me while I was pumping gas…..and an older man walked up pretending to be my dad……told me to get in the car…..and finished pumping my gas for me…..when the guys left…..he told me he hopes someone would do the same for his daughter
I HATE…..when cashiers feel the need……to check if my money is real….. “IF I COULD COUNTERFEIT MONEY I WOULDN’T BE AT DOLLAR TREE KAREN!!!!”
DONALD DUCK….has a twin sister named Della……she was first mentioned in 1937…..and made her animation debut in 2017….she is the mother of…..Huey, Dewey and Louie
“I WASN’T DRUNK LAST NIGHT!”…..yo, you almost got run over by a parked car…..and then tried to withdraw money……from the microwave
CONFUSE YOUR DOCTOR…..by putting on rubber gloves…..at the same time he does
TOMATO SAUCE…..is not Italian at all but Mexican…..the first tomato sauces were already being sold…..in the markets of Tenochtitlan when the Spaniards arrived…..and had many of the same ingredients (tomatoes, bell peppers, chilies)……that would later define tomato pasta sauces…..200 years later….tomato sauce is known as salsa roja in Spanish
AND MY FAVORITE……
NOT ALLOWED TO WORK FROM HOME SO I DON’T……My job recently told me that even during the snowstorm we got earlier this week…..I am not allowed to work from home at all…..even though I work in IT…..and do everything remotely…..they want me in the office…..so I deleted Teams and my email off my phone…..I am no longer available after hours…….my boss tried to call me for something urgent last night and couldn’t reach me…..he asked why today…..and I explained to him what I was told……I am not allowed to work from home