THERE SHOULD BE…..a summer camp for adults……where you can just go and sleep for 3 weeks
TELL PEOPLE THERE’S AN INVISIBLE MAN……in the sky who created the universe…..and the vast majority will believe you…..tell them the paint is wet…..and they have to touch it to be sure
PISSTIFIED: The state of being equal parts of……pissed off and mystified…..at the same time
ME: I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning
CO-WORKER: It’s pronounced croissant……and you ate 4 of them
CROSSING THE STREET IN NYC…..
TOURISTS: Omg…..be careful…..watch the cars…..let them pass……let them pass
NEW YORKERS: “HIT ME…..HIT ME MOTHERFUCKA…..I WISH YOU FUCKING WOULD…..GO AHEAD MAKE ME RICH…..I’M ALREADY BUYING SHIT IN MY HEAD……HIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
THE LEFT – THE RIGHT……me knowing neither side will actually do anything to fix our problems…..so we might as well……find a good fishing hole…..and watch it all burn down
CAFÉ:…… “We do not have WiFi……talk to each other…..pretend it’s 1995
IF ENEMIES…..are self-destructing…..do not interfere
TO EVERYONE…..who received a book from me for Christmas……they’re due back at the library next Friday……thank you
A TRUE YANKEE FAN…..knows a bad day losing……is still better than being a Red Sox fan
PRETTY SURE……I’ve spent about a third of my life saying….. “WTF is wrong with people?”
I LEARNED A LOT……from my mistakes…..so I decided to make more mistakes to learn more
HOWEVER……much you deny the truth……the truth goes on existing
WHEN THINGS SEEM…..especially rough…..just ask yourself….. “Did I shit my pants today?”…..and if the answer is no…..you’re doing alright
THE FACT THAT HOOTERS……hasn’t launched a home delivery service called Knockers…..seems like a missed business opportunity to me
WOMAN: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making?
MECHANIC: We simply replaced your Taylor Swift CD……with Van Halen
DAD: What in the hell is almond milk?
SON: It’s milk
DAD: Show me the tit on an almond
SOME OF US…..are so old…..we can remember going a whole day…..without taking a picture of anything
IF TOMORROW WOMEN WOKE UP…..and decided they really liked their bodies…..just think how many industries…..would go out of business
HUSBAND: I’m on an exercise program…..I have to walk three miles a day
WIFE: That’s great…..this time next week you’ll be 21 miles away
I MAY BE OLD…..but at least our music……didn’t make you want to jump out of a moving car
SO I SAW A WOMAN…..wearing a sweatshirt that said GUESS on it…..so I said “implants?”…..I got slapped for that one
AND MY FAVORITE……
I LOVE PUBLIC LIBRARIES…..because they are built on the principle…..that books are so important……and so necessary to human flourishing……that access to them cannot depend on your income