POLICE…..I’m looking for a man with one eye
BYSTANDER….If you use both eyes……you’ll find him quicker
ALL THE REPUBLICANS…..who demanded that former President Obama…..should open up his Martha’s Vineyard private home to displaced migrants…..seem oddly quiet about former President Trump……opening up his Mar-a Lago public hotel……to his fellow Floridians…..displaced by hurricane Ian
NOTE TO SELF:…..do not argue with people……who should’ve been swallowed
CUSTOMER…..I’m allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts and I’m Vegan…..what can I get?
WAITER…..The fuck out of here!
I DON’T ENGAGE IN ACTS OF KINDNESS…..to be rewarded later…..I engage in acts of kindness…..because it makes me feel good…..to give
IT’S HARD TO ARGUE……with a braless woman…..when she’s actually made…..two outstanding points
SOUP IS WITCHCRAFT…..we put plants…..spices……and dead animals into a cauldron…..and follow instructions from a book……written by old people
WHEN TEACHERS…..quit by the hundreds of thousands…..the problem isn’t the teachers…..it’s a system…..that doesn’t value and support their work
CUBA…..a small island nation that’s been under blockade and sanctions……for 60+ years…..still manages to guarantee every citizen…..healthcare, education and housing without the ability to trade with the U.S…..and has a higher life expectancy than the U.S.
FOOL ME ONCE…..shame on you…..fool me 15,999 times……then I’m likely wearing a red MAGA hat
MUSIC KEEPS ME SANE……when I’m surrounded by insanity
IN THE NETHERLANDS…..abortion is freely available on demand…..yet the Netherlands boast the lowest abortion rate in the world…..about 6 abortions per 1,000 women….and the death rates from abortions are miniscule…..how do they do it?…..contraception is widely available and free…..it’s covered by the national health insurance plan…..Holland also carries out extensive public education on contraception, family planning and sexuality……an ethnic of personal responsibility for one’s sexual activity is strongly promoted…..some people say that teaching kids about sex and contraception…..will only encourage them to have lots of sex…..but Dutch teenagers tend to have less frequent sex…..and start at an older age than American teenagers…..and the Dutch teenage pregnancy rate…..is 9 time lower than the U.S.
JUST A CASUAL REMINDER……that in 1861…..11 Senators and 3 Representatives…..were expelled from Congress for failing to recognize……Lincoln’s election and supporting an insurrection……we can still do that!
RADIO DJ:…..That was a band called Led Zeppelin Kids…..that unfamiliar sound you just heard……was a thing called music
THE PAST IS IN YOUR HEAD…..the future is in your hand
JESUS…..was a bleeding heart…..long haired…..peace loving…..anti-establishment liberal hippie freak……with strange ideas…..everything Conservatives hate
THE UNITED STATES…..is not a democracy…..nor does it bring democracy to the world…..the United States is an empire…..it has over 800 military bases around the world…..and has spent the past century waging wars…..coups and interventions……that has made the world less safe
PLEASE KEEP ON THE GRASS…..lie down….roll around in it…..forget all your responsibilities……have an ice cream
AND MY FAVORITE…..
WE HAD A REALLY “MEAN” MOM…..While other kids ate candy for breakfast…..we had cereal, eggs and toast…..when others had Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch…..we had to eat sandwiches……and you can guess our mother fixed a dinner that was different from what other kid had too…..Mom insisted on knowing where we were all the time…..you’d think we were convicts in a prison…..she had to know who our friends were…..and what we were doing with them……she insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour…..we would be gone for an hour….or less…..we were ashamed to admit…..but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work……we had to wash dishes, make the beds, learn how to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry…..and all sorts of cruel jobs…..I think she would lie awake at night…..thinking of more things for us to do……she always insisted on us telling the truth……the whole truth……and nothing but the truth…..by the time we were teenagers…..she could read our minds……then life was really rough…..Mom wouldn’t let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up…..they had to come to the door so she could meet them…..while everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13…..we had to wait until we were 16…..because of our Mom…..we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced……none of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other’s property…..or arrested for any crime…..it was all her fault…..now that we have left home….we were educated adults….we are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was…..I think that’s what’s wrong with the world today……it just doesn’t have enough…..mean Moms anymore.