2020:….OMG….we’re entering hell
2021:….Ok, so how do we make hell cozy?
HOW LONG…..should you try?……..UNTIL!!
ROAD SIGN:…..ROUGH ROAD….fasten bra straps….and remove dentures
IF I WAS SNOW WHITE….you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…..you’d have to poison an éclair….or something
IT DIDN’T START WITH THE GAS CHAMBERS….it started with one party….controlling the media….controlling the message….one party deciding what is truth…..one party censoring speech and silencing the opposition…..one party dividing citizens into..… “US and THEM”….and calling on their supporters to harass “THEM”….it started when good people turned a blind eye….and let it happen
I BOUGHT A LITTLE BAG OF AIR TODAY….the company that made it..…was kind enough to put some potato chips in as well
WHEN A WOMAN SAYS…. “Correct me if I’m wrong”….do not under any….I mean any circumstances do it
WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD….you get mad when they rearrange the grocery store now
LIVE EACH DAY….like it’s your last….´cause one day…..you gonna be right
MUSICIAN:…..practice
PERSON:….It must be an innate gift…..
MUSICIAN:….practice
PERSON:…..I can never understand why some people have talent like this….it’s magical and a mystery
MUSICIAN:…..practice
ROMEO & JULIET…..is not a love story….it’s a three-day relationship….between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old…..that resulted in six deaths…..Sincerely,…..everyone one who actually read it
I JUST HAD TO ASK MY GAS TANK…. “What did you do with that $20 I just gave you?”
SCHOOLS SAY…..masks can’t be enforced…..but have no issue policing black students hair
IF YOU DON’T TRUST….doctors and science to keep you from getting sick….then why the hell….are you clogging up hospitals….trusting them to cure you?
THREE THINGS I’M GOOD AT:
1:….drinking wine
2:….eating cheese
3:….drinking wine and eating cheese
I THINK….the scariest part of that song….Born to be Wild….is when they find a head out on the highway
A COUPLE OF KIDS ASKED ME….what it was like for me growing up….so I took their phones, shut off their internet, gave them a popsicle…..and told them to go outside until the street light came on
THERE IS NO GOOD WAY….to end an unwinnable war…..especially one you never should have waged in the first place
IT IS WITH YOUR FEET THAT YOU MOVE….but it is with your heart that you dance
EVER GET PRE-ANNOYED?….like when you already know someone is about to piss you off….so you just get a head start?
COWORKER:….. “Don’t worry, just be yourself”
ME:…. “Why, so I can get fired?”
YOU MIGHT AS WELL….go ahead and pronounce the “L” in salmon…..nothing matters anymore
DEAR KARMA…..I have a list of people you missed
IF YOU THINK YOU’RE SMARTER THAN THE PREVIOUS GENERATION….50-years ago the owner manual of a car…..showed you how to adjust the valves….today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery
ME:….Alexa, remind me to go to the gym
ALEXA:….I have added gin to your shopping list
ME…..Close enough
IF AN ORGANIST….can remember every key, tab, button, draw knob, pedal and toe stud….you too can use the turn signal lever
DEAR LITTLE BLACK GIRL WITH THE BIG NAME…..correct them….every…..single…..time
DEAR SEPTEMBER….I don’t want any trouble from you….just come in….sit your ass down….don’t touch anything…..and keep your damn mouth shut
AND MY FAVORITE…..either you get it or you don’t…..but this is funny….!
I MIGHT BE WHITE….but I’m not… “Let’s go see what that noise was” white
THIS IS ME TALKING NOW…..I saw a poster…..with many different nationalities of women….and the text said…. “We are tired of your perception of beauty”…..a few months ago….someone posted something very beautiful……
YES…..I’m plus size
YES….I have stretch marks
YES….My thighs touch
YES….My tummy jiggles
YES…..I am beautiful!