SON: It’s almost fall
DAD: I know
SON: Now it’s almost time for the clocks to go back an hour
DAD: Which means I get an extra hour….to get up in the middle of the night to pee….yeah, fall!
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: You good?
SISTA: Laying here thinking
SIS: And what about this time?
SISTA: Have you ever noticed that grape flavored things…..like soda or gum or candy don’t taste anything like grapes?…..but they do, however, taste like purple?……and I’m not exactly sure what that means……or how to explain it….but you can’t tell me I’m wrong can you?….it taste like purple.
SIS: Put….the bong…..down!
SIS: What is something people do in public that instantly irritates you?
SISTA: Be!…..be in public….that’s enough for me…..as soon as I go outside and see people, I get sick to my stomach….and I’m ready to go back home.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: What ‘cha doing squirt?
SON (on the sofa): I’m watching a movie.
DAD: What’s it about?
SON: Well, it’s a film about a man’s wife, who’s brutally murdered by a serial killer….and his son is left physically disabled….but then in a twisted turn of events…..his son is kidnapped and the dad has to track him for thousands of miles….with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
MOM: “ WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING???”
SON: Finding Nemo
MOM: Yes, she called
DAUGHTER: That woman hates me
MOM: Topic?
DAUGHTER: Smoking….she was talking about how smoking kills
DAD: Rebuttal?
DAUGHTER: I said, “Yes, it does…..but it cures ham
SON: And that got you in trouble?
DAUGHTER: Not even close
MOM: I can’t take more
DAUGHTER: Then, we went to AI….for some reason only that Gremlin on the sofa would understand
SON: You say that like it’s an insult
MOM/DAD: “FOCUS”
DAUGHTER: Well, mother earth said…. “Eventually, AI will evolve to the point where it will tell women what to do
MOM (laughs): Seriously?
DAUGHTER: Yeah, so I let her know…. “If AI evolves to the point, where “IT” thinks it can tell women what to do…..that will be the end of AI.”
DAD: That’s my gal
MOM: Yep
MOM: So, what are you going as this Halloween?
DAUGHTER: A homeless alcoholic
SON: So glad that wasn’t my idea
DAUGHTER: I got it from you
(Mom and Dad look at the six-year-old)
SON: What?….I told her adults should be able to go trick or treat at liquor stores
(Mom and Dad): WHY???
SON: Because it would be so cool to get those mini bottles as treats
MOM (To Dad): You know, he may be on to something here
MOM: You ok?
DAD: No
SON: What happened?
DAD: I did something to my back
SON: So that’s why you’re on the sofa….remembering when you could lay in one position for hours….and now you’re turning like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes?
DAUGHTER (to Son): If you run now there might be a slim chance of survival
SON: Mom, dad
BOTH: Yes?
SON: How old were you when you found out what “Hospital” stands for?
BOTH: Huh?
SON: You don’t know?
BOTH (looks at daughter): What….you think I know where this is going?
BOTH (nod “Yes”)
SON: you want me to believe you two didn’t know it stands for….. “House Of Sick People including Treatment and Labor?”
MOM: Where do you find this information
DAUGHTER: The better question is….. “Where did you find him?”
(Mom and Daughter look at Dad): Oh hell no….I’m not taking the wrap for……that!
MOM: I swear you’ve going to end up in a private school
DAD: You really don’t want to do that
MOM: You need to hush…..now, what happened today?
DAUGHTER: Oh, just the usual….defending women’s rights against the stupidity of future men
SON: I think I need a drink for this one
DAD: You and me both
MOM: Go on….
DAUGHTER: Well, we were talking about the recent wave of sexual assaults going on around the world…..and at the university up north
SON: Wait, aren’t you Ivy?
DAD: Not that one
MOM: And….?
DAUGHTER: And….one of those future idiots had the nerve to say…. “If men didn’t exist who would protect women?
SON: That kid has a death wish
DAD: No kidding
MOM: And…..?
DAUGHTER: So, I said, “From who?……why would women need protecting if men didn’t exist?”….so I was kicked out of the class because every girl clapped.
SON: Dad?
DAD: Son?
SON: Which hurts worse….childbirth or a kick in the nuts?
MOM: Say what?
DAD: Definitely the kick son….no question
MOM: Seriously?
DAD: Yep, because I ain’t never seen a man get kicked….and go asking for another one
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Guy in a bar): Hey beautiful, are you single?
AMY: I am now
(Guy in a bar): Oh, have you been married before?
AMY: Yes, I was
(Guy in a bar): How many times?
AMY: Three times
(Guy in a bar): Wow, what do you do?
AMY: I’m a professional housekeeper
(Guy in a bar): What does that mean?
AMY: Every time I divorce my husband….I keep the house
(Amy’s friend….watching the guy walk away): You enjoy that don’t you?
AMY: You have no idea.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDSON: Grandma, you do know drinking wine is slowly killing you?
GRANDMA: That’s ok, I’m not in a hurry
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
PATIENT: You do know I was popular once
THERAPIST: That’s wonderful
PATIENT: Yeah wonderful…..until you took all my imaginary friends away
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307…..
SUSAN: Look, I have good news and bad news
PHONE CALL: Ok, I’m listening
SUSAN: I want us to break up
PHONE CALL: Ok, and what is the bad news?
SUSAN: What would happen if you won a million-dollar lottery and I was kidnapped on the same day?
PHONE CALL: Wow, two jackpots in one day
SUSAN: Where are you?
PHONE CALL: I’m home
SUSAN: Can you do me a favor and go to the kitchen?
PHONE CALL: Ah, ok
SUSAN: Do you see the matches on the table?
PHONE CALL: Yep
SUSAN: Ok, light one
PHONE CALL: Ok, it’s lit
SUSAN: Did anything happen
PHONE CALL: Huh?
SUSAN: Oh thank goodness….I thought I left the gas stove on