(Guy in a bar): Hey beautiful
AMY: That’s original
(Guy): I have a question for you
AMY: And it thinks too
(Guy): So, do women ever look at a guy and think…. “Yeah, I’d hit that?”
AMY: Everyday damn day
(Guy): Really?
AMY: Sure, with a car, a baseball bat or whatever shovel is closest
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
SON: Quick question mom and dad?
DAD: What’s up?
MOM: Shoot
SON: What’s harder….being a man or being a woman?
DAD: Man, no question
MOM: No way….it’s harder being a woman
DAD: Nope, harder being a guy
DAUGHTER: Bull crappy….we deal with menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding….hot flashes and menopause
DAD: And men have to deal with women
DAUGHTER: School is letting me know….it’s out there and it is coming for my future
MOM: What?….what is it?
DAUGHTER: An entire world of intellectually absent people with undiagnosed anger issues
(Dad and Mom): Huh?
SON: She’s talking about social media
SON: I’m gonna miss my favorite neighbor
DAUGHTER: Yeah, she was sweet….I guess she’s in heaven…..
MOM: Well….
DAD: Be nice….let’s get something to eat
DAUGHTER (later….): Oh, this food is so good
MOM: Yeah, it is
SON: Mom, dad since you both are in the medical field….I have a question
DAD: Shoot
SON: Have you realized that only at a Black funeral….they will serve the same high blood pressure food that put our neighbor in the casket?
DAUGHTER: And there goes my appetite
(Patient’s wife): You gave my husband a laxative instead of cough syrup
MOM: He said cough syrup was too pricy he wanted something cheaper
(Patient’s wife): Why a laxative?
MOM: I dare him to cough now
SON: Today I was in touch with my inner self
MOM: Really?
SON: Yes, I think we need to buy 2-ply toilet paper
DAD: (Spit his coffee)
DAUGHTER: You do know men watch sports and think…. “I wish I could do that”
MOM: Yep, and women watch murder mysteries….for the same reason
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307…..
SUSAN: Quick question, if you had to choose between money or brains….which one would you choose?
PHONE CALL: I’d take the money
SUSAN: I would choose brains
PHONE CALL: That makes sense….everybody chooses what they don’t have
SUSAN: I have a question
PHONE CALL: Try me
SUSAN: Which one spreads information faster….email or gmail
PHONE CALL: Female
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: You still drinking beer?
SISTA: Yep….at least 3 a day
SIS: And how much do you pay for each beer?
SISTA: $5 buck each including a tip
SIS: How long have you been drinking beer?
SISTA: About 20 years give or take
SIS: So, three beers a day…..comes to $450 a month…..or $5,400 a year…..in 20 years that’s $108,000
SISTA: Yeah, that sounds about correct
SIS: Do you know if you saved that money in your bank account….after interest you could buy a plane
SISTA: Do you drink beer?
SIS: No
SISTA: Then where is your damn plane?