(Bartender serving Amy a drink): So, if you tell me I’m handsome….it’s free
AMY: Keep the change
(Guy in a bar): Hi, you ok?
AMY: Oh I’m fine….I come from a strong line of lunatics
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: Dad, what should I do if a bully tries to swing at me and hit me?
DAD: Son…..if someone comes at you with a swing….you better give them the porch, the patio and the property line
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
THERAPIST: What is the pettiest thing you’ve done after the end of a relationship?
PATIENT: My ex sent me an invitation to his wedding with the girl he cheated on me with….just to piss me off…..but I wasn’t mad at all…..I went to that wedding and I brought two dates…..I brought her ex-boyfriend and the guy that she was cheating on with my ex with….and they are now divorced.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307…..
PHONE CALL: And how is your morning?
SUSAN: Today I’ve decided I’m gonna give it my almost
SUSAN: I almost had an “I need a man moment”
PHONE CALL: What happen?
SUSAN: It’s all good…..I was able to open the whiskey bottle by myself
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: I saw a deer on the way to work today
SON: How did you know it was on its way to work
MOM: Boy, I ain’t got no time for your sh…….
DAD and DAUGHTER: LANGUAGE
MOM: You literally screamed the “F-word” in class
DAUGHTER: Let me guess, “IT” called?
MOM: Duh….what happened this time?
SON (to Dad): I got ten bucks, it was Chrissy
DAD: You’re on
DAUGHTER: That two genes dumber than a squash blonde…..
SON (to Dad): I’ll send you my Pay Pal info
DAD: Wait, you have a Pay….
SON: Shhhh…
DAUGHTER: Said…in class.…to everyone….proudly…. “How do you think everyone has a birthday if there are 8 billion people in the world….but there’s only 365 days….I think about this a lot”
(Mom, Dad and Son): Wow
DAUGHTER: So, I told her… “The thinking part….you should probably stop….just stop” after screaming the word that could be mistaken for an aquatic animal….if you had a weird lisp
SON: Can I talk to the squash?
(Mom, Dad, Daughter): NO!!!!
DAD: They’re going to build another data center two states away and suck up all their water
MOM: That’s a shame
SON: Stop calling them data centers
DAUGHTER: And why’s that champ?
SON: Just call them what they are….they’re mass surveillance facilities…..that will force 99% of humans into a digital prison by 2030
DAUGHTER (looks at Mom and Dad): Are you sure you brought the right one home from the hospital?
MOM (looks at her 6-year-old): I’m starting to wonder that my damn self.
DAD: Hi….how was your day dealing with education?
DAUGHTER: Still a little pissed I can’t fly….or set things on fire with my mind
DAD (looks at Mom): So,…..shall I start preparing dinner or is she going on a hunt?
MOM: Don’t look at me, you helped make that.
DAUGHTER: Hey, you two
MOM: Is this going to be drama?
DAUGHTER: Nah….just a question
SON: Well, that left a lot of room for anything
DAD: Yep
MOM: Ok
DAUGHTER: When we were younger…..I can’t speak for your other offspring because he’s not…..anyway,….what did we do when we were scared?
DAD: You two know what?….it was a privilege to have our bed….taken over by tiny humans….who thought it was the safest place in the world
DAUGHTER: Awwww…..can we
(Mom and Dad): NO!!!!!
DAD: I heard you had a little scruff with a male student?
DAUGHTER: He’s lucky to be breathing
MOM: Speak
DAUGHTER: He did the one thing I hate for someone to do when they’re talking to me
SON: Was it the finger?
DAUGHTER: Yeah, so I told him I have a portal in my body that literally brings new souls into this world….so you better stop pointing that finger and lower your damn voice when you talk to me
SON: Yep, lucky to be alive
MOM: No kidding
MOM: Are you going out today?
DAUGHTER: If it requires a bra and pants….it’s not happening
MOM: You were discussing the government in your class?
SON: Yes
DAUGHTER: Your only 6…what the….?
DAD: I so want to hear this
SON: Well, the teacher was telling us how great our president and his party is….and how the country is doing much better
DAUGHTER: In what world?
SON: Then there was more blah, blah and I said…..
MOM: (Oh, oh…)
SON: There’s higher inflation, people losing jobs, houses, no healthcare, you can’t eat the food, corruption and no one has the capability to grow more food due to stupid tariffs….and no one is doing anything about it and it’s getting out of control…..and people should do something about this because one group is profiting off the backs of the suffering…..you know, told him what’s actually going on
DAD: How did he handle that?
SON: He asked me, attitude of course…. “Well, what’s your solution?”
DAUGHTER: Oh no he didn’t…..
SON: He did and I told him…. “Once upon a time….the French had a problem with the 1%….and they solved it”
MOM and DAD: Oh no you didn’t…..
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: You know people always talk about the eye of the tiger
BRO: Yeah, I know….and people never talk about the other four letters
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: Did you know men are still complaining about the decline of birth rates
SISTA: So why don’t they just use their ribs to create new humans?
SIS: I have to straighten out my life
SISTA: Why….what’s up
SIS: This damn heatwave made me realize….I can’t go to hell
SIS: What’s up?
SISTA: Lying here thinking
SIS: Share
SISTA: If you think about it Teletubbies is basically Lord of the Rings
SIS: Come again?
SISTA: Yeah…..both of them live in similar places…..both of the shows have four main characters….and both of them also have a character that floats in the sky
SIS: Put…..the bong…..down!
SIS: You do know sometimes you have to be the bigger person….and walk away
SISTA: And other times….you have to be the bigger bitch and remind them….who they’re dealing with
SIS: A man was arrested after trying to fight his family because someone ate his pork chop
SISTA: Look, I’m not gonna say he was right or wrong….but I understand
SIS: Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning
SISTA: I know….that’s why I took the batteries out of my scale last Wednesday
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B…..
(Co-worker): You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
BUBBA: Is it because they get elected?