MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: Why are you still on the sofa?…..you were there when I left for school this morning
DAD: I think my motivation didn’t just leave….it packed a suitcase, blocked my number….and moved to another country
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: I have a serious question
BRO: Shoot
CUZ: How big is a penguin?
BRO: I’d say around 18 inches, give or take
CUZ: What’s the biggest a penguin can be?
BRO: Maybe, three feet….maybe an inch or more….why?
CUZ: I think I just ran over a nun
BRO: Your boss called and told me he fired you
CUZ: Why, what did I do?
BRO: Because you kept asking customers if they wanted smoking or non-smoking
CUZ: So?
BRO: The correct terminology is cremation or burial
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
SON: I just learned….that your pupils are the last part of your body to go after you pass away
MOM: Yes son, that’s true…..they dilate
SON: They really let her take care of people in a hospital?
DAUGHTER: Last time I checked
DAUGHTER: I’m starting to apply for college
DAD: That’s nice….it’s good to get an early start
SON: Do you think anyone really cares about what your major is?
MOM: Excuse you?
SON: Yeah, English literature, biology or whatever…..the whole point of a college degree….it’s to show a potential employer that you showed up someplace four years in a row….completed a series of tasks reasonably well…..and on time I might add….so if he hires you….there’s a semi decent chance that you’ll show up there every day and not mess his business up
DAD: That’s what you think college is about?
SON: That, drinking beer and getting laid
MOM: WHAT??!??
MOM: I realize there are 3 things I am very good at
DAD: One?
MOM: Drinking wine
DAD: Two?
MOM: Traveling
DAD: And….last but not least?
MOM: Drinking wine while traveling
DAD: And where are we going for vacation?
MOM: Greece
DAD: And the offsprings?
MOM: They can walk…..
KIDS: WE HEARD THAT!
MOM: I’m tired of her calling me
DAUGHTER: Mom, I didn’t start it….that bloated…..
SON: LANGUAGE
DAUGHTER: Bite me
DAD: LANGUAGE
MOM: I’m waiting
DAUGHTER: This….
EVERYONE: LANGUAGE
DAUGHTER: I’m quoting Mr. Jackson
MOM: Still waiting….
DAUGHTER: This…..two genes short of evolving into a….anyway,….said that when women wear short tight skimpy outfits out in public..…when they have the option to cover themselves up more…..they are basically “Asking for it”
SON: Oh shit
MOM and DAD: (Said nothing)
DAUGHTER: I screamed….sorry but…..this asshole….I just wanted to know if I saw him out in public not wearing any protective head gear…..are you asking to be hit in the head with a hammer….because you could have protected yourself?
DAD: I got this one…..
MOM: Today, he is your son and it’s all your fault
DAUGHTER (talking to a friend on her phone): You want to know why I don’t need drugs….listen, this should be good
DAD: Ah, which one this time?
MOM (pointing to the little one): THAT!….thing you helped create was sent home early from school
DAD (looking at his son): Ok, bark
SON: We were talking about geo-politics
DAUGHTER (to her friend): This going to be so good
DAD (looking at mom refilling her martini…..and hope every damn kid in this horror film dies because their parents should’ve raised them better….says to himself…. (“Oh, not good”): So, son, and?
SON: After the nonsense blah-blah…..my teacher asked the class…. “Who do you think really runs the world?”
DAD (to Mom): I’m going to regret this right?
MOM: You have no idea and it’s still your fault
DAD: What went down?
SON: When she asked the question who really runs the world…..all I said to her question was…..satanic pedophilic maniacs who created the corrupt financial system….who poisoned the food supply, who poisoned the air…..convinced us to take a toxic injection in exchange for a Krispy Kreme donut…..and ultimately wants to create a New World Order based on a one world government..…by which they will completely control us and have surveillance over us and we’ll own nothing and be happy.
(Daughter’s friend on the phone): Holy shit!…..your 6-year-old brother is not normal
DAUGHTER: I know, right?…..God, I love my family
(PARENT-TEACHER MEETING)
PARENT: I really hate seeing children at those gay rallies because in most cases….they don’t understand what they’re doing and what they’re promoting…..I think most children are pressured into going to gay rallies by their parents and therefore…..pressured into believing in gay marriages…..and that’s why I have a problem with you teaching my son….because your marriage goes against my Christian belief
MOM: You have got to be kidding me
DAD: Breathe
MOM: Oh hell no….ah, Miss Christian lady….you know what bothers me?….I really hate seeing children in churches….in most cases they don’t understand what they’re doing and what they’re promoting….I think that most children are pressured into going to churches by their parents and therefore….pressured into believing in a magic man….in the sky who will send them to Hell if they touch themselves or eat shrimp.
DAD: Well done
MOM: Her dumbass won’t get it but….F
DAD: LANGUAGE
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Guy in a bar): I bet I’m the most interesting guy you’ve met tonight, right?
AMY: You’re not interesting enough to make me sick
(Date): So, do you like going outdoors?
AMY: Ah yeah,….it’s safer than going out windows
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: Did you know men are still complaining about the decline of birth rates
SISTA: So why don’t they just use their ribs to create new humans?
SISTA: Well, all day I did some financial planning
SIS: Great, so how’s it looking?
SISTA: Well, it looks like….I can retire at 97…..and live comfortably for 11 minutes
SIS: You haven’t moved all day
SISTA: Yeh, I know….I’ve been contemplating…..zen-ing on the sofa….
SIS: Really?
SISTA: Yep, I’ve come to the conclusion that my body is not a temple….it’s a haunted house….things are falling apart…..it’s making weird noises…..and it is haunted by the spirit of an old woman who is just always angry about something
SIS: Been there…..