SIS: I just read a study that revealed the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is on her menstrual cycle
SISTA: Really?
SIS: Yea, for example, if she is ovulating…..she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features
SISTA: Wow
SIS: I know but however…..if she is menstruating or menopausal
SISTA: Let me guess,…..she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest….while he is on fire?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: What did you do?
DAUGHTER: What?
MOM: Your teacher called
DAUGHTER: Oh,…..that?
MOM: That?
DAUGHTER: Yeah, it happened during our business class
MOM: Continue….no, wait (mom refills her martini because she knows this is going to be a good one)….as you were saying?
DAUGHTER: Chrissy….the super smart blonde right?…..she said, “Do you know how much money you would have….if you saved one dollar every day for one year?…..you would have $30,000 dollars”
MOM: I’m going to regret this but…..what did you say?
DAUGHTER: Well, I stood up and mentioned to Chrissy…..the super smart blond one….
MOM: You’re killing me
DAUGHTER: Chrissy I said….. “This kind of math is the optimism I aspire to….bless your heart…..you are exactly why instructions have pictures”
MOM: Oh crap,……you’re in trouble, right?
DAUGHTER: And that would be a definite yes
DAUGHTER: Please, you’re both doctors…..can you write me sick, so I don’t have to deal with stupid
MOM (to Dad): She is talking about school, right?`
DAD: I think so….let’s see where this goes….so, what happened Ophelia?
DAUGHTER: Really?…..her?
DAD: Just caution on the dramatic side…..you were saying?
DAUGHTER: I can’t stand most of the attendees in that building…..because everyone is talking about how poor people shouldn’t be allowed to buy junk food with food stamps….like they’re starving…..privileged little…..
MOM: Watch it….breathe
SON: I don’t think billionaires should be able to buy 14-year-olds on a private island
DAUGHTER: (Just stares)
DAD (To mom): You are absolutely sure…..I helped make that 6-year-old thing over there?
MOM: Don’t!…..I tried to blame her (pointing to Daughter).
TEACHER: Do you know what bird symbolizes freedom?
STUDENT: Eagle
TEACHER: Correct….do you know what bird symbolizes wisdom?
STUDENT: The Owl?
TEACHER: Correct….and do you know what bird symbolizes love?
STUDENT: The Dove?
TEACHER: Correct….and do you know what bird symbolizes true love?
DAUGHTER: The Swallow
TEACHER: “GET OUT!”
DAUGHTER: And why are you smiling at me?
MOM: Just thinking about the future
DAUGHTER: Really?
MOM: Yep
DAUGHTER: Why`
MOM: Because your parents slowly become your children
DAUGHTER: Wait, back up a sec
MOM: No, seriously listen and hopefully one day you and your brother can do us a favor….because sooner or later, we’ll ask simple questions, repeat stories…..and depend on your patience the way we once depended on yours….it’ll be hard for the both of you to understand this role reversal…..because what may look like innocence or inconvenience…..is really just time coming full circle….so do us a favor and don’t judge us harshly….don’t run us….just care for us the way we once protected you….believe me, it’s not a burden, it is repayment, quietly wrapped as love.
DAUGHTER: You lost your favorite patient….Mr. Williams today, didn’t you?
MOM: Yeah…..I did….and not one family member came to say goodbye.
BIBLE SISTER: Aren’t you afraid of meeting Satan?
MOM: Why not?…..you’re the one who should be scared…..because you talk shit about him every Sunday.
DAD: You ok?
SON: Nah, my class bummed me out today
DAD: What did you attempt to learn?
SON: It was about my future and robots and AI junk
MOM: And you weren’t feeling the future huh?
SON: No!…..I don’t want trains that don’t have workers….I don’t want to order food only through an APP….I don’t want stores without cashiers…..even if it is convenient….I don’t want a life where I can’t talk to other people.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B…..
BUBBA: I’m sorry….you want me to attend a work meeting?
BOSS: Yes
BUBBA: Isn’t that how they got Julius Caesar?
(Phone survey): Excuse me, may I interview you?
BUBBA: Yes.
(P.S.): Your name please
BUBBA: Billy Ray
(P.S.): Sex?
BUBBA: Three to five times a week
(P.S.): No, no…..I mean male or female
BUBBA: Yes, male and female….sometimes camell
(P.S.): Holy cow!
BUBBA: Yes, cow, sheep….animals in general
(P.S.): But isn’t that hostile?
BUBBA: Yes, horse style, doggie style….any style.
P.S.): Oh dear
BUBBA: No, no deer….deer run too fast….too hard to catch
(P.S.): Click!