MY WIFE….gave me an envelope marked…. “Not to be opened until 2026”…..inside was a list of reasons….why I can’t be trusted…..to carry out simple instructions
NOBODY…..will ever understand how much pain and anger I went through…..to become this calm and quiet
LIFE…is full of questions…..idiots are full of answers
I HATE IT….when I eat the last bite….but didn’t notice it was the last bite….so I couldn’t mentally prepare myself and get closure
I LOVE FARTING…in the cheese aisle at one of them expensive grocery stores….and hear all the snooty people say….how wonderful the cheese smells
WHEN 2 PEOPLE…..argue online…..I believe whoever spells correctly
I SAW A FLYING SAUCER TODAY…..it appeared right after the flying cup….my wife threw at me
SOME PEOPLE….call it multitasking….I call it doing something else….until I remember what I was going to do in the first place
A BORE….is someone who deprives you of solitude…..without providing you with company
I DON’T ALWAYS….carry all the groceries….in one arm….but when I do….my keys are in the wrong pocket
MY BEST CHILDHOOD MEMORY….was falling asleep on the couch….and waking up in my bed……I miss teleporting….it never happens anymore
I LIKE WHEN….people say…. “I’m expecting a baby”….because it implies that you could end up with something else instead
YOU’LL NEVER CONVINCE ME….that 2020 didn’t rip open a portal to the hell….we’re stuck in
YOU’RE LEGACY….is every life you touch
HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY….to the tartar sauce….and jar of pickles in my fridge
TRUE FACT:…..nothing is ever lost….until your wife can’t find it
IT’S DEPRESSING….to realize people I used to consider friends….have become people….who I would not tell where Anne Frank was hiding
THE PAST…..like the future….is indefinite….and exist only as a spectrum of possibilities
AND MY FAVORITE…
SHE NEVER REPLIED….to his 116th message….on the 117th he wrote: ….. “This is my last text”….she ignored it again…..until the police called.