GRANDSON: You do know 2026 is in 5 months?
GRANDMA: I haven’t even processed anything since 2020…..can it wait?
GRANDSON: Wow, that smells good….what are you cooking?
GRANDMA: Beef tongue
GRANDSON: Ugh, that’s nasty
GRANDMA: Why?
GRANDSON: Because it comes out of a cow’s mouth
GRANDMA: Really?….so, would you rather eat an egg?
(Bank manager on the phone): Is there anything else I can assist you with today?
GRANDMA: No, just that one thing you couldn’t assist me with is fine, thanks.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: Do you ever wake up….kiss the person sleeping beside you….and feel happy that you are alive?
BRO: Sure
CUZ: I just did that and apparently….I will not be allowed to fly one airline again
CUZ: What pretends not to be a scam but is absolutely a scam?
BRO: Every scam…..that’s how scams work
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
(Tech guy on the phone): It seems like your network connection is unstable
DAUGHTER: Yeah, well so am I and I still work
DAUGHTER: What is the most successful lie in history?
MOM: I’ve read and agreed to the terms and conditions
SON: Life sucks
DAUGHTER: What now?
SON: I hate how you’re just born out of nowhere
DAUGHTER: Uh huh…
SON: And forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job
DAUGHTER: And your point is?
SON: What if I just wanted to be a duck?
DAUGHTER: You do know you’re only 6-years-old right?
SON: And your point is?
DAD: What are you doing?
MOM (On the sofa with a martini): Watching a virtual TV show called “YUCK”
DAD: Really??
MOM: Yeah, I walk through people’s homes and point out things I don’t like and then leave
DAD: Ah, ok…..don’t worry, I’ll cook dinner
MOM: Love you too
MOM: Remember when we were in our 20’s….it was sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll?
DAD: Yeah, great times
MOM: Now that we’re in our 50’s it’s….coffee, Advil and shut the fuck up
TEACHER: Where is the capital of England
DAUGHTER: In the offshore bank accounts of the 1%
TEACHER: “GET OUT”
MOM: I got an emotional support animal
DAUGHTER: Oh, that’s so sweet
MOM: It’s a chicken….it’s crispy and it came with a biscuit
DAUGHTER: I was switched at the hospital when I was born right?
MOM: Ummm, yummy
DAUGHTER: Mom, I know I’m not supposed to cuss but….
MOM: What now dear?
DAUGHTER: This boy at school is getting on my last nerve….and I don’t know how to say “FU” politely
MOM: Easy, just say…. “With all due respect….intercourse yourself”
SON: Mom, dad, I have a question
(Mom and dad on the sofa watching TV and drinking martinis): What is it son?
SON: Is it rude to look at someone….and start singing “If I only had a brain” at them?
MOM and DAD: (Both spit their drinks across the room)
DAUGHTER: I showed my Facebook page to the school psychologist
MOM: And?
DAUGHTER: She wants to talk to all of us
DAD: Oh, this is going to be intellectually fun
DAUGHTER: Mom, dad…..be nice….don’t bite.
DAUGHTER: I think I’m going crazy
MOM: Great….when you get there let me know….and I’ll show you around
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
PATIENT: Sometimes I have to tell myself…. “Just stay calm Rebecca”….but I never works
THERAPIST: It couldn’t be because your name isn’t Rebecca?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B…..
BUBBA: I appreciate your cute nickname for me
BOSS: I said you’re an HR violation
BOSS: Why are you late?
BUBBA: There was a technological malfunction that yielded an unforeseen surplus of unconsciousness
BOSS: You overslept?
BUBBA: I overslept
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Guy in a bar): I like you, you’re funny
AMY: Thanks….I would’ve been burned at the stake in Salem with this personality
(Co-worker): Why don’t you actually enjoy your weekend instead of staying at home in your pajamas all day
AMY: That is my definition of enjoying the weekend
(Guy in a bar): You’re so easy to talk to
AMY: Awww thank you….I have not been listening
(Guy in a bar): You’re too pretty to be single
AMY: Oh honey, it’s not my looks….I’m not right in the head
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: Now, is it shitshow or shit show?
PHONE CALL: Why?
SUSAN: Because I want to get this resignation letter just right
PHONE CALL: What are you doing?
SUSAN: Drinking water in front of my plants….so they remember who the breadwinner is
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SISTA: I’m never using online dating ever again
SIS: Why not?
SISTA: The last guy said he lived in a gated community
SIS: That sounds nice
SISTA: Prison….he meant prison
SIS: So, what’s your financial budget for August?
SISTA: August?…..girl, I owe September money
SIS: What’s your final thought before making big decisions?
SISTA: Fuck it!
SIS: You do know, one day AI is going to replace you
SISTA: Bullshit….I’d love to see AI drink 6 beers before 11 am
SISTA: Did you know if you spell “Absolutely nothing” backwards you get….. “Gnihton Yletulosba”….which means…absolutely nothing?
SIS: Put…the…bong…down….now!