SIS: Which one do you like best….the Notebook or Titanic?
SISTA: The Conjuring
SISTA: Someone sent me an email using vodka for cleaning the house
SIS: Really?
SISTA. Yeah, it worked….the more vodka I drank….the cleaner the house looked
SIS: You ok?
SISTA. I’m going to be fine….remember, we come from a strong line of lunatics
SISTA: I had a dream I was at work
SIS: Really?
SISTA: Yeah, so when I woke up I called in sick
SIS: What the heck for?
SISTA: I ain’t working twice in one day
SIS: What’s wrong with you?
SISTA: I asked myself if we were ok
SIS: And?
SISTA: We both started laughing
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: Why are men always ok with doing nothing for their birthday?
PHONE CALL: Imagine celebrating the day when all my problems started
SUSAN: Just so you understand….wife does sound better than girlfriend
PHONE CALL: And single sounds better than stupid
SUSAN: I wish I could be creative
PHONE CALL: But you are
SUSAN: Really?
PHONE CALL: Yes…..you have a great talent for creating difficult situations
SUSAN: It’s raining outside
PHONE CALL: And that is where it normally rains dear
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
THERAPIST: I’m so sorry to hear you broke up with your girlfriend
PATIENT: I’m not
THERAPIST: Ok, let’s play a game…..define your ex as a food
PATIENT: Cake…..because everyone got a slice
PATIENT: When I was young I wanted to be a psychiatrist
THERAPIST: Really?
PATIENT: Yep, but then I realized I had more potential as a patient
PATIENT: I’m an alcoholic, I snort cocaine, I go with prostitutes and I’m a gambler
THERAPIST: Thank you for sharing your problems
PATIENT: What problems?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
BRO: I heard the government is putting chips inside of people
CUZ: I hope I get Doritos
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
BUBBA: (Looking back at the trailer full of donkeys)….Ah, because I’m hauling ass?
BUBBA (1st day on the job)
CUSTOMER……I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
BUBBA: Sorry, we only take cash
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRAND DAUGHTER: Grandma, can I have an ice cream sandwich?
GRANDMA: Did you finish your dinner
GRAND DAUGHTER: No
GRANDMA: Just one then
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: I’ve got a part in the school play….I play a man who’s been married for 25 years
DAD: Maybe next time…you’ll get a speaking part
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Guy in a bar): You look familiar
AMY: I don’t even go outside so why you lying?
TEXT: Can I come see you?
AMY: My house is in the shop right now
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: Ah, excuse me….can you bring your cup to the sink
SON: Why do you make me do everything?
MOM: Boy,….I swear I will……
DAD: What’s wrong?
MOM: I just realized our kids have two volumes
DAD: Really?
MOM: Yep….mute when they’re sleep…..and Metallica when they’re awake
DAUGHTER: Please stop eating so much salt
MOM: Why?
DAUGHTER: Too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure….heart attacks and strokes
MOM: So, you’re saying, too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
MOM: WHOA…..why are you adding more salt to my food?
SON: Hey sis…..I have a question
DAUGHTER: Shoot, oh great pain in the butt
SON: What is love?
DAUGHTER: Love is when you steal my cookie from my lunch bag every day…..and I still hide it in the same place
DAUGHTER: You have that look on your face….what?
MOM (on the sofa, watching TV and drinking a martini): I was wondering…..why does toilet paper need a commercial?…..who’s not buying it?
MOM (at work): Your husband needs complete peace and rest….I’ll prescribe some sleeping pills
(Patient’s wife): When do I give them to him?
MOM: No, these are for you
TEACHER: What is the meaning of %?
DAUGHTER: A woman wearing a seat belt.
TEACHER: “GET OUT!”
DAUGHTER: Sometimes I wish I could be a load of laundry in a tumbler dryer
MOM: Why’s that?
DAUGHTER: Because I could sit in a dark….quiet space and everyone would leave me alone for at least a week.
MOM: Can I join you?
DAUGHTER: “NO!”
DAUGHTER: I’m going to have a good day today
MOM: That’s cute
TEACHER: And that’s the end of today’s lesson in Sex Education
DAUGHTER (raises her hand): I have a question
TEACHER: Yes, what is it?
DAUGHTER: Why is giving birth called delivery….and not take out?
TEACHER: “GET OUT!”
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