SISTA: I hate how funerals are always held at 9 am
SIS: Why?
SISTA: Because I’m not really a mourning person
SIS: I should’ve seen that coming
(New co-worker): Excuse me, but where is the colored printer?
SISTA: Dude….it 2024….you can use whatever printer you want
SIS: People say love is the best feeling
SISTA: Finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: Hey dad?
DAD: Son?
SON: You remember this kung-fu guy named Bruce Lee?
DAD: You kidding every kid wanted to be Bruce
SON: Did you know he had a vegan brother?
DAD: No, I didn’t….what’s his name?
SON: Broco-Lee
SON: My ear hurts dad
DAD: Inside or outside?
SON (Opens the front door…..steps outside and then back in): Both
DAD: (To himself)….And it’s things like this….that really makes me worried…..about future generations
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: Apparently, 30% of owners let their pets sleep in their bed
PHONE CALL: I tried it…..and my goldfish died
PHONE CALL: For the past 5 years….all you’ve done is fine mistakes in anything I say
SUSAN: 6 years
SUSAN: I want to be famous
PHONE CALL: You do know fame will come to you….only after you succeed
SUSAN: Who is Seed?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: Hey
BRO: What?
CUZ: Question
BRO: Shoot
CUZ: If April showers….bring my flowers….what do may flowers bring?
BRO: Pilgrims
BRO: Why are you knocking on the fridge door?
CUZ: Just in case there’s a salad dressing
BRO: Why are you smoking again?
BRO: Why are you standing there with the door open?
CUZ: There’s a letter on the floor that says “Do Not Bend”
BRO: And?
CUZ: Well I’ve been standing here for 5 minutes…..trying to figure out how to pick it up
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: Are you kidding me?….standing on that bathroom scale and sucking in your stomach…that’s not gonna help
DAD: Sure it does…..it’s the only way I can see the numbers
MOM: I need a new password eight characters long
DAUGHTER: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
MOM: You’re still an idiot
DAUGHTER: What’s the longest word in the English language?
MOM: Smiles
DAUGHTER: Huh?
MOM: Yep….the first and last letters are a mile apart
DAUGHTER: And I’m the idiot?
DAD: So darling, I’ve purchased a world map…..for you to pick our holiday….I’ll hang it in the kitchen…..take this dart….throw it at the map…..and wherever it lands….that’s where we’ll spend our vacation
MOM (throws the dart): Donk!
DAD: So, you want to spend three weeks behind the refrigerator?
DAUGHTER: I learn today that a leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree
MOM (on the sofa drinking a martini and talking to herself): And a cougar can drag someone half her age into bed
MOM: Unfortunately…..we had to amputate three of your fingers on your right hand
PATIENT: Will I still be able to write with it?
MOM: I wouldn’t count on it
MOM: How was school today?
DAUGHTER: My teacher told me to check my attitude
MOM: What did you say?
DAUGHTER: I told her….for complaints about attitude….please contact the manufacturer
DAUGHTER: Dad; I have a new boyfriend
DAD: And I have a gun
DAUGHTER: I don’t see how this is connected
DAD: Hopefully neither will the cops
SON: Dad, I got in trouble with my teacher today at school
DAD: What happened?
SON: He asked….. “I have a green ball in one hand….and a green ball in the other…..so what do I have?
DAD: And what did you say?
SON: Kermit the frog begging for mercy
DAD: You definitely have your mother’s genes
MOM: I HEARD THAT!!!!
HELL SISTER: You must remember….God doesn’t cancel people
MOM: Are you kidding me?…..he literally started all of humanity over with a flood
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
BOSS: May I ask why is it you’re quitting?
BUBBA: To pursue my dream of not working here anymore
POLICE OFFICER: Excuse me sir….but do you have a drinking problem?
BUBBA: No, I pretty much got it figured out
POLICE OFFICER: What’s your favorite beer?
BUBBA: An open one
POLICE OFFICER: How do you know who you’ve had too much to drink?
BUBBA: When I run out
POLICE OFFICER: Have you ever been to an AA meeting?
BUBBA: AA is for quitters
POLICE OFFICER: Please step out of the car
FRIEND: Why are you staring at that girl over there?
BUBBA: Just curious
FRIEND: Why, because she has pink, green, blue and yellow hair?
BUBBA: Nah…..
(Girl comes to their table): Why are you staring at me….haven’t you done anything wild in your life?
BUBBA: I got stone once at a Halloween party and screwed someone in a peacock costume
(GIRL): And?
BUBBA: I was just wondering if you might be my daughter
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Taxi driver speaking to Amy):….Do you mind if I put some music on?
AMY: Not at all
(Taxi driver): Kiss ok?
AMY: Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel?
(Co-worker): How are you always so calm?
AMY: I never argue with stupid people….I just cut it short…..and tell them you’re right
(Co-worker): That’s completely ridiculous
AMY: You’re right