SUSAN: I’ll have you know I’m a strong woman
PHONE CALL: I know you are…..I’ve seen you eat your own cooking
SUSAN: You should share your feelings with me more often
PHONE CALL: I’m hungry….I’m horny…..my butt itches and I just cut a fart
PHONE CALL: Hey, are you going to put that Christmas tree up yourself?
SUSAN: No….I’m going to put it in the living room
PHONE CALL: Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?
SUSAN: Because I don’t want to bother you at work
SUSAN: I just got a call-back to star in a Christmas movie
PHONE CALL: What’s it called…..Bipolar Express?
PHONE CALL: I want to take you somewhere expensive for dinner
SUSAN: I swear to God….if it’s the gas station again…..it’s over
PHONE CALL: Tell the truth darling….did you miss me?
SUSAN: With every bullet so far
MY MORNING NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: Dad….what do you call a hen…..who counts her eggs
DAD: No idea
SON: A mathmachicken
DAD: Maybe AI ain’t a bad idea after all
SON: Dad….did you know that…..the first computer programmer was a woman?
DAD: So that’s why computer language is so difficult to understand
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1
(Phone call): We have your daughter
MOM: What are your demands?
(Phone call): Are you out of your mind?….the school is closed….come and get her…..now!
DAUGHTER: Oh mom…..that baked chicken smells wonderful…..what’s your secret?
MOM: Because you know I’m all about the baste….’bout the baste
DAUGHTER: No more wine mom
DAUGHTER: Mom….when can I give daddy….his Father’s Day card?
MOM: Thursday….when he delivers the milk
DAUGHTER: WHAT????
MOM: Just kidding
DAUGHTER: My calculator still isn’t working…..I could just throw it against the wall
MOM: But that’s not going to solve anything
DAUGHTER: You do know I’m 16….and can legally hate you.
DAUGHTER: I wonder how it feels to be shot up in space
MOM (sipping her martini….and talking to herself): Well, if your dad would have pulled out 5 seconds sooner….you would’ve known
DAUGHTER: What cha reading?
MOM: My paycheck on the computer
DAUGHTER: Can I see?
MOM: Sure
DAUGHTER: WOW!…..and how much does dad make?
MOM: Triple that
DAUGHTER: OMG!…..you and dad would be rich…..if you didn’t have us
MOM: And I think about that more than I should
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: When I was a kid…..I used to enjoy making sandcastles with my grandfather
BRO: That sounds really nice
CUZ: Yeah,….until my mother made me put the urn back on the mantle
CUZ: I was in a bar last night…..and this fight broke out and a guy got arrested
BRO: What happened?
CUZ: Dude got mad and threw a beer bottle at the female bartender
BRO: What did she do?
CUZ: She changed the Black Sabbath CD….to Christmas music
BRO: You see….not all heroes wear capes
CUZ: I read somewhere…..that if you drank 42 cups of coffee in one sitting…..the caffeine overdose would kill you
BRO: So, 41 is the limit?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..BUBBA…..Apt. 2B
(Friend calling): Yo bro,…..what’s up….I’m in your city
BUBBA: Enjoy…..(click)
(911): 911 what’s your emergency?
BUBBA: You gotta come quick…..I’m in a bar and these two girls are fighting over me
(911): Ah,….ok….so what’s the problem?
BUBBA: The ugly one is winning
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..GRANDSON and GRANDMA….Apt. 817
GRANDSON: Grandma….exactly how many gummies did you chew today?
GRANDMA: Why?
GRANDSON: Because you’re chopping the onions…..with your bank card