SIS: You know if you keep going down that road…..you’re going to Hell
SISTA: I’ve been there
SIS: Oh, really now?….you’ve been to Hell?
SISTA: Yeah…..some crazy shit happened…..I’m not allowed back
SISTA: I’m not scared of spiders anymore
SIS: When you saw one yesterday…..you screamed
SISTA: Yes….but I screamed bravely
SISTA: When do I have to do the dishes again?
SIS: Tomorrow
SISTA: We need to stop eating
SISTA: If you think you’re so smart….spell it
SIS: S-M-A-R-T
SISTA: I said spell “It”
SIS: You can‘t send that
SISTA: Why?
SIS: What if your employers see you saying “fuck” online?
SISTA: Then I suppose it will prepare them….for me saying it in person
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: At home you always say a prayer before eating
PHONE CALL: I know….but here the chef knows how to cook
PHONE CALL: Hey, you want to have good sex?
SUSAN: No
PHONE CALL: Then you came to the right guy
SUSAN: Sex doesn’t impress me….teach me how to make 30k in 2 days
PHONE CALL: Well,….it’s gonna involve sex
SUSAN: Why do you call me stupid….I am not stupid
PHONE CALL: You climbed a glass wall….to see what was on the other side
SUSAN: I don’t have to go to church every Sunday….I can pray at home
PHONE CALL: Lying in bed and screaming “Oh God….Oh God”….is not the same thing
SUSAN: But you’re the worst I’ve ever had in bed
PHONE CALL: There’s no way you can make that judgement….in 37 seconds
PHONE CALL: So, do you still have feelings for me?
SUSAN: Sure
PHONE CALL: Awww…..me too
SUSAN: Like hatred, disappointment, anger…..you know….stuff like that
SUSAN: How come you never say that you love me anymore
PHONE CALL: I told you once….if anything changes…..I’ll let you know
SUSAN: The car’s getting hot….what should I do?
PHONE CALL: Tell the car you have a headache
SUSAN: So darling…..what’s your secret to make me go….”MMMMMMMM” at night?
PHONE CALL: Duct tape
SUSAN: Got any plans today?
PHONE CALL: Do nothing
SUSAN: You did that yesterday
PHONE CALL: Didn’t finish
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?????
DAD: What?
MOM: You just stabbed a vampire
DAD: So?
MOM: And then you clocked a zombie on the jaw….and knocked it out
DAD: Ah,…..yeah!
MOM: You’re supposed to give them candy
DAUGHTER: Hi mom….how was your day
MOM: Nice, I took a 5-hour nap
DAUGHTER: I’m pretty sure….that’s called sleeping
MOM: Did you brush your hair?
DAUGHTER: Yes
MOM: Can I check
DAUGHTER: I’m too busy….wearing this hood
DAUGHTER: (Slams bedroom door)
MOM: You look confused
DAUGHTER: I’m not sure if I woke up…..or I’m still asleep
MOM: Let me know when you figure it out
MOM: Do the dishes
DAUGHTER: That’s the worst possible thing you can say to me
MOM: Do the dishes all week
DAUGHTER: Can we have a movie night tonight?
MOM: Sure, what do you want to watch?
DAUGHTER: I don’t care…..I just want snacks
DAUGHTER: Why did you order pizza tonight?
MOM: I didn’t feel like cooking
DAUGHTER: I love it when you give up
DAUGHTER: I need money for a thing a school
MOM: I already gave you money for that thing
DAUGHTER: This is a different thing
MOM: You could be laundering money, and I would never know it
DAUGHTER: What’s it like being old?
MOM: I wouldn’t know….I’m not old
DAUGHTER: Ok,….then what’s it like being delusional?
DAUGHTER: I finally understand the theory of relativity
MOM: It’s about time
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
BUBBA: My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke…..the first slide was my paycheck
BUBBA: I bought a deodorant stick today….the instructions said;….. “Remove cap and push up bottom”…..I can hardly walk….but when I fart…..the room smells lovely
BUBBA: I want to stop drinking…..but I know the liquor store owner has children…..and the last thing I want….is for those kids to go hungry
BUBBA: I farted on the bus today and four people turned around….I felt like I was on The Voice
BUBBA (Restaurant):….I’ll have a beer
WAITER: It’s 9am sir
BUBBA: Ok…..I’ll have a beer and scrambled eggs
CUSTOMER: Will you validate my parking?
BUBBA (Working at a park garage): You did a great job….evenly spaced at nearly a perfect right angle
POLICE OFFICER: Please step out of the vehicle
BUBBA: Are you mad at me?
SUPERVISOR: I noticed you’ve been requesting a lot of time off
BUBBA: Yes….this is the time of the year….I rebuild the pieces of my soul….that have been destroyed by this organization