AMY: Today at Walmart this girl ahead of me in line….card kept declining….so the cashier offered to pay for it….she told him….. “I have a boyfriend”….and the cashier said….. “I’m tryna hurry home and watch some basketball….I’m not interested in dating your broke ass”
AMY: I once moved in with an old boyfriend….and I felt like my life…..was one big held in fart
AMY: Has anyone ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough…..or is society just trying to stop me from living my life?
TEXT: Hi Amy….this is Adam from the Ikea delivery yesterday…..I apologize for the unprofessional nature of this text….but would there be any chance you night like to go see a movie with me?
AMY: I am headed to church until about one o`clock am…..so my phone will be off until then
GUY ON THE STREET: Excuse me….have you ever been arrested?
AMY: Yeah, how could you tell?
GUY: I was gonna say it’s illegal to be that cute…..but now I’m curious
AMY: Aggravated assault
AMY: Everyone is sitting at the table…..with their engagement rings…..and promise rings….and I’m just sitting here with my onion rings
AMY: Have you ever looked around and thought…..I’m too sober for this shit?
AMY: I think there’s a pretty good chance….I’ll end up being one of those senior citizens…..who randomly bite people
AMY: Sometimes….giving someone a second chance….is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun…..because they missed you the first time
AMY: I’m curious…..why don’t they call iPhone chargers…..apple juice?
AMY: I was walking down the street…..and a magician asked me to pick any card…..so I took his credit card
AMY: The next time a stranger talk to me while I’m alone…..I will just look at them shocked and whisper…. “You can see me?”
AMY: I saw a guy at the beach yelling…. “Help, shark help!”…..I just laughed…..I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him
AMY: Sometimes I just want to tell my job….. “My mom said I can’t come”
BLIND DATE TEXT: I think I have feelings for you
AMY: Ugh!
AMY: (on the phone)…..Oh Louis,…..you’re the only one who truly understands me…..I love you so much
LOUIS: Ah right,….so that was a yes….to the extra cheese on your pizza?
BLIND DATE TEXT: Wanna start texting again….as friends?
AMY: I’m not taking texting applications at the moment
TEXT: Are you going to Edith’s wedding tomorrow?
AMY: Nah….
TEXT: Why not?
AMY: I slept with her boyfriend last night….and I don’t want it to be awkward
AMY: I was asked…..what do I look for in a relationship……apparently….. “A way out”….wasn’t the right answer
AMY: You can say…. “Have a nice day”….but saying….. “Enjoy the next 24-hours”…..sounds vaguely threatening
AMY: The other day I asked my phone….. “Siri, why am I still single?”…..and it activated the front camera