July 14, 2023

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344

AMY: Today at Walmart this girl ahead of me in line….card kept declining….so the cashier offered to pay for it….she told him….. “I have a boyfriend”….and the cashier said….. “I’m tryna hurry home and watch some basketball….I’m not interested in dating your broke ass”

AMY: I once moved in with an old boyfriend….and I felt like my life…..was one big held in fart

AMY: Has anyone ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough…..or is society just trying to stop me from living my life?

TEXT: Hi Amy….this is Adam from the Ikea delivery yesterday…..I apologize for the unprofessional nature of this text….but would there be any chance you night like to go see a movie with me?

AMY: I am headed to church until about one o`clock am…..so my phone will be off until then

GUY ON THE STREET: Excuse me….have you ever been arrested?

AMY: Yeah, how could you tell?

GUY: I was gonna say it’s illegal to be that cute…..but now I’m curious

AMY: Aggravated assault

AMY: Everyone is sitting at the table…..with their engagement rings…..and promise rings….and I’m just sitting here with my onion rings

AMY: Have you ever looked around and thought…..I’m too sober for this shit?

AMY: I think there’s a pretty good chance….I’ll end up being one of those senior citizens…..who randomly bite people

AMY: Sometimes….giving someone a second chance….is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun…..because they missed you the first time

AMY: I’m curious…..why don’t they call iPhone chargers…..apple juice?

AMY: I was walking down the street…..and a magician asked me to pick any card…..so I took his credit card

AMY: The next time a stranger talk to me while I’m alone…..I will just look at them shocked and whisper…. “You can see me?”

AMY: I saw a guy at the beach yelling…. “Help, shark help!”…..I just laughed…..I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him

AMY: Sometimes I just want to tell my job….. “My mom said I can’t come”

BLIND DATE TEXT: I think I have feelings for you

AMY: Ugh!

AMY: (on the phone)…..Oh Louis,…..you’re the only one who truly understands me…..I love you so much

LOUIS: Ah right,….so that was a yes….to the extra cheese on your pizza?

BLIND DATE TEXT: Wanna start texting again….as friends?

AMY: I’m not taking texting applications at the moment

TEXT: Are you going to Edith’s wedding tomorrow?

AMY: Nah….

TEXT: Why not?

AMY: I slept with her boyfriend last night….and I don’t want it to be awkward

AMY: I was asked…..what do I look for in a relationship……apparently….. “A way out”….wasn’t the right answer

AMY: You can say…. “Have a nice day”….but saying….. “Enjoy the next 24-hours”…..sounds vaguely threatening

AMY: The other day I asked my phone….. “Siri, why am I still single?”…..and it activated the front camera

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