DAUGHTER: FUCK!!!!!
HUSBAND: Why is she cussing and slamming doors?…..what the hell is wrong with her?
MOM: She just realized….she will be bleeding and menstruating every month…..for the next 30-40 years….and I can’t blame her a bit
DAUGHTER: Mom,….can we get a kitty?
MOM: No,…..I’m allergic and we can’t be in the same room
DAUGHTER: You could sleep outside
DAUGHTER: Can I drive your car?
MOM: No, you’re 14
DAUGHTER: Can I have a beer?
MOM: No, you’re 14
DAUGHTER: Can I have a cigarette?
MOM: No, you’re 14
DAUGHTER: Can I take hormones and change my gender?
MOM: Of course….you know what’s best
DAUGHTER: Did you know cats have nine lives?
MOM: Yep,…..makes them ideal for experimentation
DAUGHTER: …..MOM!!!
MOM: When I die…..I want to be cremated
DAUGHTER: Why?…..because that’s your last chance for a smoking hot body?
MOM: You do know they make urns…..for two bodies right?
HUSBAND: Your mom is still furious with you……you wanna tell my why?
DAUGHTER: The other day she asked me to give her the red lipstick…..but I accidentally passed her a glue stick…..and she’s still not talking to me
DAUGHTER: If you had to eat one type of food for the rest of your life….what would you choose….and why?
MOM: Salad….just think of it….a salad can mean anything…..you can make a vegetable salad….a fruit or potato one…..and even a pizza salad….ice cream salad….or nuggets…..cut up any food….and you’ve got a salad
DAUGHTER: I seriously want a DNA test.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: I was in a store….and someone just came in and spent…..$3,000 on their Christmas presents…..you just going to let them show you up like that?
DAD: Really?….on what?
SON: Yeah, well $3,400…..cameras and some lenses….and accessories
DAD: That’s nuts
SON: Yeah, I guess they love their kids more
DAD: Maybe….they’re better kids….
SON: Mom wants you to get her prego
DAD: Well, I can’t….I had that problem solved years ago
SON: OH MY GOD DAD!…..I will be forever grossed out….mom wants you to get her PREGO…..the sauce
DAD: Oh,…..okay
SON: How do I get the girls to like me?
DAD: Dump buckets of glitter on yourself…..and stand in the sunlight….they’ll come running
SON: WTF….no dad
DAD: Then grow a pair and talk to them
DAD: Hey son…..which phone do you like most?….SamsungS23 or iPhone5?
SON: OMG DAD!!!!!…..I like the S23…..thanks dad
DAD: It’s not for you….it’s for your sister
SON: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
DAD: Dear God no…..
SON: It’s ok….he woke up
DAD: You little shit
SON: I’m pissed!
DAD: Again…..or still?
SON: Dad,….how do you want to be buried?
DAD: No idea…..but one thing is for sure….if they don’t have liquor at my funeral….I’m not going
SON: I always knock on the fridge door
DAD: Why?
SON: Just in case there’s a salad dressing
DAD: (Yelling to his wife)…..Honey…..are you sure you grab the right baby…..when we left the hospital?
SON: Hey, dad……do you have a police record?
DAD: No….but I have a few of their albums on cassette
DAD: How’s Pratt?….hope you’re getting AIDS
SON: Dad,….you do know that AIDS means…..Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome right?
DAD: OMG!….I thought it was….. “A’s In Design School
SON: Dad,….did you know some alligators can grow up to 15 feet?
DAD: But most only have four
SON: And there you go again…..screaming you’re out of shape…..I just read an article about a 104-year-old man competing in a 100-meter race…..what’s your excuse?
DAD: He had more time to train
SON: Hooray!…..I’m finally going to driving school…..soon there will be one less pedestrian
DAD: Maybe not just one….
INSTRUCTOR: (Driving Test)….Turn the car on
SON: Umm ok…. (rubbing the interior)….you like that?….you filthy who-
INSTRUCTOR: Ok, we’re done here