PHONE CALL: Pick me up I’m drunk

SUSAN: Send me your location

PHONE CALL: I love that song

SUSAN: It’s a guy’s duty to pay the bill at a restaurant….that’s why it’s called “MEN’U”

PHONE CALL: Or it’s the responsibility of both parties….that’s why it’s called “Me’N’u”

SUSAN: Michelle and Tom are getting married

PHONE CALL: As in Michelle, the girl who used to give me wedgies on the school bus?

SUSAN: Yes

PHONE CALL: Does her future husband know she’s garbage

SUSAN: We should warn him

PHONE CALL: I was having pizza tonight…..and thought of you

SUSAN: I had some baby carrots earlier….and thought of you

THERAPIST: Your wife says you never buy her flowers…..is that true?

PHONE CALL: To be honest…..I never knew she sold flowers

SUSAN: Do men still open car doors?

PHONE CALL: How do you think we get inside?

PHONE CALL: Can we grab a coffee this week and just talk?

SUSAN: I’m busy that day

PHONE CALL: I didn’t even say when

SUSAN: I know

SUSAN: What do you want to be for Halloween?

PHONE CALL: Yours

SUSAN: Yea, that would be pretty scary

PHONE CALL: Do you feel anything for me?

SUSAN: I feel sorry for you

PHONE CALL: I invite you to a romantic dinner tonight…..lights, oils, soft seats…..

SUSAN: No, I’m not going to your garage again

SUSAN: I was dreaming I was at Walmart

PHONE CALL: I was dreaming….I was with three women

SUSAN: Was I there?

PHONE CALL: No, you were at Walmart

SUSAN: I’m cutting all my hair off today

PHONE CALL: I don’t like short hair on girls

SUSAN: Well, I don’t like short dicks on guys….but here you are

SUSAN: If men are agreeing with you….you said something stupid

PHONE CALL: You are absolutely right

PHONE CALL: What are you wearing?

SUSAN: Pj’s

PHONE CALL: Underneath

SUSAN: I’m wearing my human skin to cover my naked lizard body

PHONE CALL: …..Ummmmm…..talk dirty to me baby

SUSAN: There are more living organisms…..in one tablespoon of soil……than there are people on earth

PHONE CALL: I like your personality

SUSAN: Which one?

SUSAN: Why are some men only nice and sweet…..for the first three weeks of dating

PHONE CALL: That’s the end of the free trail

PHONE CALL: Can you please talk to me?

SUSAN: I could….but I don’t want to

PHONE CALL: Can you please want to talk to me?

SUSAN: Unless you have that Men In Black technology that erases memories…..of you from the past 9 months or so…..nah, probably not

SUSAN: I can’t get you out of my head…..no matter what I do

PHONE CALL: Have you tried ruining someone else’s life?……that might help

SUSAN: Why do women have to cook for their men?

PHONE CALL: Because by law….all prisoners have to be fed

PHONE CALL: Why in the hell….are you driving so recklessly?

SUSAN: BECAUSE THERE’S ALWAYS A TREE IN THE WAY!!!!

PHONE CALL: That’s the air freshener

SUSAN: Why is tamales pronounced tamales….but females is pronounced females…..instead of females?

PHONE CALL: Seriously???

PHONE CALL: Hi, do you still hate me?

SUSAN: I don’t exactly hate you…..but if you were on fire….and I had water…..I’d drink it

PHONE CALL: You look like you would make a good single mother

SUSAN: And you have that deadbeat dad charm

SUSAN: What’s swooning?

PHONE CALL: Fainting

SUSAN: What’s fainting?

PHONE CALL: When a girl sees blood…..and collapses

SUSAN: Why would a girl see blood and collapse?

PHONE CALL: Not all girls are like you

SUSAN: Girls see more blood than men