GIRL 1: How was your flight?
GIRL 2: This is his girlfriend…..who are you exactly and why are you texting him?
GIRL 1: Okay, first of all stop calling yourself his “girlfriend” to make yourself feel better than the other girls…..we all know ya ain’t official so don’t flatter yourself…..2nd…..I’m the girl that can make any girl go from girlfriend to ex real quick…..now, how was my brother’s flight?
WHEN KYLIE JENNER…..tried to trademark her name “Kylie” in 2016……Australian pop star Kylie Minogue successfully got the request blocked……with her lawyers telling the US government…..Kylie Minogue is “internationally renowned”…..while Kylie Jenner…..is a “secondary reality TV personality”
TEENAGER TEXTING: Hey guys, my parents are out of town…..party at my house this weekend
LEES SUMMIT POLICE: Can’t come tho…..we are actually cool people to hang out with….but we get it…..if nothing illegal is going on and no one calls us…..we won’t come…..but based on the number of likes/comments so far…..it doesn’t look like anyone else is going either
FEMALE: Need men??? For what?? I say we launch them into space with the rest of the garbage
MALE: Okay then, when would you like to be sent into space?
FEMALE: Ha ha, I’m not a man you shit
MALE: Yeah, but you said garbage too
TWITTER: It makes my heart smile when two ugly people find each other and fall in love
COMMENT: So, who’s the lucky guy?
TEXT: So, am I the only girl you talking to?
ANSWER: Yeah; everybody else is asleep
STUDENT: No English word has double “oo” except “good”……prove me wrong
TEACHER: “Book”…..try reading one
EX-GIRLFRIEND: You have no idea how much I hate you
EX-BOYFRIEND: You have no idea how much I don’t care
ME: This show is boring
BOSS: Again, this is a zoom conference
OLD SPICE: Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire?…..seems like false advertising
TACO BELL: Is your deodorant made with really old spices?
TEXT: Is the Pink Panther a lion?
ANSWER: Say that again
TEXT: I don’t get it??
ANSWER: He’s the pink “Panther”
TEXT: Okay?? But is he a lion?
BOY: Nice name
GIRL: Thanks, I got it for my birthday
GUY: Can you give me your address?
GIRL: 127.0.0.1
GUY: No, your real address
GIRL: 00:25:B5:AA:01:1F
TEXT: Can you not like my boyfriend’s pictures on Instagram?…..thanks
ANSWER: Your boyfriend is my cousin
TEXT: That doesn’t give you the right to like his pictures
TEXT: When am I gonna see you
ANSWER: When I post a picture on Instagram
TEXT: Are you Samantha?
ANSWER: I have a boyfriend. Go away
TEXT: I just found your wallet…..you left it by the counter at work…..and I found your number thru one of your business cards
ANSWER: Oh that’s awesome…..can we meet so you can return it?
TEXT: I have a girlfriend. Go away
TEXT: Happy birthday Mom
ANSWER: Hey, so yeah….wrong number…..you night want to find your mom’s actual number so your birthday text message makes it to the person who birthed you
TEXT: Thanks….well, happy birthday whenever your birthday is
ANSWER: Ha ha….November 27th…..talk to you them
TEXT: (November 27th)….Happy birthday
ANSWER: Wow, you remembered
TEXT: Of course!
TEXT: We’re back in the hospital because Jake set his butthole on fire again
ANSWER: You have the wrong number….but please keep me updated…omfg
TEXT: Oops sorry
ANSWER: No, come back….I wanna hear everything
TEXT: I love you Janet
TEXT: I love you Mandy
TEXT: I love you Katie
ANSWER: Hi Mark…..my phone was off…..you do realize you’ve been texting me…..Alice, this whole time…..WHO ARE THOSE OTHER GIRLS??
TEXT: I love you Alice
ANSWER: Not gonna work
TEXT: Hello….I’m here as promised…..it’s 9 o’clock already…..I’m waiting in the car…..are you coming?
ANSWER: You’ll have to wait some more…..I need to take a bath first…..make myself a cup of coffee
TEXT: Can you give me a rough estimate of when you’ll be ready?
ANSWER: Today
AND MY FAVORITE…..
TEXT: I love you
ANSWER: I need more space
TEXT: I love you.