MAN: I believe life begins at conception
WOMAN: Do you celebrate your conception day?
MAN: No, my birthday
WOMAN: Why?
MAN: Never thought about it
WOMAN: Get back to me when you do
IT IS USUALLY…..futile to try to talk facts……to people who are enjoying a sense…..of moral superiority in their own ignorance
I’D RATHER HAVE….RuPaul watching my kids…..than Rand Paul
SOMETIMES…..you just need to lay on the couch…..and read for a couple of years
I MAY SO NO…..to alcohol…..but that doesn’t mean…..I say no to a good time
IF WE ARE IN A….. “Don’t laugh” situation…..do not look over at me
I’M GONNA LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET ABOUT ME……I post motivational shit yeah…..but I don’t have it all figured out…..I just wake up ready to bury my demons…..and try hard every single day of my life…..doesn’t matter if I fuck up or fail today…..I’ll be back tomorrow…..bet on it!
ONLY 2 THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN……1. Death……2. if you fall asleep in a tank top……you will wake up……with one boob hanging out
FREEDOM ISN’T OWNING 25 RIFLES……it’s going to the grocery store…..and not having to worry about being killed by one
IF YOU THINK TEACHER RETENTION……was a problem before…..wait until you see what happens after you try and arm us…..it will be the great resignation x100000000……we didn’t get multiple college degrees to be handed a gun…..if that’s your answer to school gun violence…..we’re done
FOX NEWS….the following program was formatted…..to fit your small, constipated view of the universe
YES…..Matthew McConaughey has been filmed using guns in his movies…..in other news…..Tom Hanks didn’t actually command Apollo 13
I DON’T KNOW HOW…..some people do a 4 minute shower…..it takes me 4 minutes…..to even get the water to be the right temperature
PLANNED PARENTHOOD….isn’t killing children…..you’re thinking of the NRA
ARMY DRILL SGT…… “I DIDN’T SEE YOU AT CAMOFLAGE PRACTICE TODAY!!”
ARMY PRIVATE….. “THANK YOU SIR!”
I REALLY……think it’s time to take warning labels off everything…….and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool
(ME IN HEAVEN)
GOD: you’re about to get your wings
ME: garlic parmesan or honey BBQ?
GOD: Get out!
LISTEN…..I’m a nice person…..so if I’m an asshole to you…..you need to ask yourself why
YOU’D BE REALLY HOT……if your eyelashes were really long…..said no guy ever
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’ve decided to major in philosophy
DAD: That’s good…..because they just opened that huge philosophy factory in our town
JUST IMAGINE….if Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s husband…..had tried to steal the 2016 election from Hillary……they would have burned D.C. to the fucking ground
ONE OF THE HARDEST……things in the world…..is keeping your mouth shut…..when you know something needs to be said
(Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – talking about Marjorie Taylor Greene…..and I did the same thing)
I USED TO WORK AS A BARTENDER…..these are the kind of people…..that I threw out of bars all the time
AND MY FAVORITE……
SAD, DRUNK AND HORNY…..the Bermuda Triangle of good decisions