FALSELY ACCUSING ME…..of having an attitude……creates the attitude you thought I had

AND MAMA…..in her ketchup…..and I in my cap…..had just simmered down……for a long winded crap……(the longer Grandma waited to update her eyeglass prescription…..the more entertaining the…..annual Christmas story became)

IRONY IS YOUR PASTOR……asking you for money to solve the church problems……and advising you to pray to solve yours……religion is a fraud

IT’S ALRIGHT…..to call me if you need something…..but sometimes…..call me to see if I need something

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY……

MAN: Will you kiss me under the mistletoe?

WOMAN: I wouldn’t kiss you under a general anesthetic

THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF TIRED……the one that requires sleep…..and the one that requires peace

IF YOU THINK I’M CRANKY NOW…..just wait until you piss me off

ONE THING ABOUT ME…..I’m going to figure it out

MARIJUANA…..is safer than McDonald’s

I WISHED…..people feared their sons being……pedophiles, rapist or being abusive…..as much as they fear them being gay

PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE…..I’ve got 3 weeks of work to do……in 3 hours because I have the time management skills……of a carrot

BEST FRIEND (text message): You want to come to the gym with me?

FRIEND: You spelled pub wrong

DAD: So, I scheduled myself for a vasectomy this Thursday

MOM: Don’t be such a drama queen Carl…..I left you with the kids for like an hour

A MAN IS SUING…..Smart Water for not making him smart…..and I’d like to formally announce……my lawsuit against Thin Mints

BEER…..is so much more…..than just a breakfast drink

PEOPLE WILL CALL IT….holding grudges……I call it…..I saw who you are……and I’m not unseeing it

THERE IS NO APP….to replace your lap…..read to your child

THIS SOCIETY…..will have you angrier……at an unhoused person for stealing $5 dollars to eat……than at a guy in a suit…..stealing $5 million to buy a third house

WHEN I WAS 16…..I used to admire people with luxuries……now I admire people……with inner peace

SOMEONE TOLD ME…..that I can’t celebrate Christmas because I’m an Atheist…..so I said,….. “Why not? I see you celebrating Valentine’s Day……even though nobody loves you”

AND MY FAVORITE…….

THREE WISE WOMEN…….would’ve asked for directions……arrived on time……helped deliver the baby…..brought practical gifts……cleaned the stable……made a casserole……and there would be……peace on earth!