FORGETTING….your headphones at home….is the equivalent….of leaving your sword behind in medieval times
BEEN WATCHING….my kid play outside from the sunroom…..and he’s been standing outside the door saying “BACON”…..for like ten minutes and I kept saying…. “WE DON’T HAVE ANY”…..then I realized he’s been saying “BACK IN.”
YOU EVER WISH…..you could meet someone again….for the very first time….and walk straight past them?
I HATE TO BE “THAT” PARENT….but if I’m up at 5am….on a Saturday for your game….you better win
FORGET FANCY TECH….the real innovation I need….is my eyeglass prescription directly in my windshield
LET’S NORMALIZE….not calling women crazy….when they react to disrespect
YOU KNOW….you’re a parent when….instead of judging the mother of a screaming toddler….you’re grateful it’s not your kid
YOU’VE….never known pain….until you’ve waited 5 minutes for a website to load on dial-up….just to have your mom pick up the phone
WHEN I DIE….my man gotta die too….ain’t no “She would want you to move on & be happy”….. “NO TF I WOULDN’T”….get in the casket…. NOW!
SEEING….my kids getting along….laughing and playing peacefully together….is the best 14 seconds of my day
WELL, WELL, WELL….if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d cross when I came to it
BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED….listen closely to their snoring, coughing and chewing…..because that’s going to be your entire life’s soundtrack
IMAGINE BRAKING UP WITH ME….and I take the rotating platform from your microwave
QUIT YOUR JOB…..buy a ticket….get a tan….fall in love….never return
I JUST WANT TO REMIND EVERYBODY….that a bunch of really rich powerful men…..abused a bunch of little girls….and the only person during time for it….is a woman…..imagine that
SOME PEOPLE….have the ability to stay composed and professional….when dealing with disrespectful people at their job….I am “NOT” one of those people
TURNS OUT….the best time to travel is….whenever your bank account agrees
AN EMAIL….sent after 3pm on a Friday….is a Monday problem
STUDIES….have shown….that it do be like that sometimes
THINK ABOUT….all the people you would have never met….if it weren’t for music
SOMETIMES….the first step towards forgiveness…..is realizing the other person was born an idiot
A WHOLE GENERATION….worked to empower women….but forgot to teach men….how to live with empowered women
TRAVELING….it leaves you speechless….then turns you into a storyteller
MAGA….Molesters….Are….Granted…Amnesty
HOW CAN PEOPLE….even be vegan?…..imagine being drunk…..and going home to eat a carrot
TRUMP: Everybody wants to have sex with me
OBAMA: Donald, that’s not what “Fuck Trump” means
IF GANG AFFIILIATION IS ILLEGAL….why isn’t every Proud Boy and Klan member….sent to El Salvador?
IF SHE TELLS YOU….about the darkness in her mind….then you are the light in her heart
SOMETIMES I WONDER…if all what’s happening to me..…is because I didn’t forward that message…to 10 people
THERE IS NO SUCH THING…as having too many books…..until you move….when it’s time to move….then it’s too many books
ONE OF THE BEST….things about getting older….is knowing someone is an asshole….before they even speak
AND MY FAVORITE…..
YOU SAY INTROVERT….I say state of the art social filtration system…..that improves the quality and purity….of interaction by preemptively reducing contaminants