JUST BECAUSE I CARRY IT WELL…..doesn’t mean it’s not heavy

IN THE ANCIENT PERSIAN EMPIRE…..men would debate ideas while sober…..and again while drunk…..an idea had to sound good in both states…..to be considered acceptable

ARE YOU EVEN A PARENT……if you’ve never carried your child…..out of a store sideways….like a surfboard?

I PROMISED MYSELF…..I’d do things differently today…..so I’m sitting at the other end of the couch

IF A BEAR HAS YOU STUCK IN A TREE….try to pee in its eye…..this takes practice because bears have tiny eyes…..but if you pull it off…..you can say you did something impressive…..before you died

3.9 BILLION WOMEN ON THE PLANET….and you’d think it would be clean by now

BE THANKFUL…..it’s not snowing….imagine shoveling snow in this heat

ANYONE….who doesn’t know what to buy me for Christmas….clearly doesn’t know where to buy wine

JOHNNY DEPP: the first man to win an argument…..against a woman

THE REASON…..Batman doesn’t cover his whole face….is because he needs the police….to know he’s White

GRANDMA’S….be like…..imma stay for a few days….and reset your children…..back to factory settings

MOST PEOPLE….have heard of Karl Marx the philosopher…..but few know his sister Onya…..the Olympic runner…..and her name is still mentioned…..at the start of every race

YOU EVER LOOK AT SOMEONE…..and think…. “You’re mom’s eggs had to be expired”

ADMIT IT….at least once in your life….you seriously tried moving an object…..by using The Force

I ADVISE YOU….don’t mess with me….I know Karate, Kung Fu, Judo, Tae Kwon Do, Jujitsu…..and 28 other dangerous words

Y’ALL SAID…..weed would make you sluggish and unproductive…..meanwhile, Snoop Dogg has like 50 jobs

I WANT TO HAVE…..a good body….but not as much as I want dessert

I NEVER…..make the same mistake twice….I make it 5 or 6 times…..just to be sure

I AM…..absolutely delicious……and I hate that mosquitoes know it

PARENTHOOD….is so crazy….we’re really out here…..getting bullied by the people we made

AARON RODGERS…..was in for only 4 plays…..that’s only 3 more than Abe Lincoln

RACISM: The most dangerous pre-existing condition in the United States

THE CLIMATE….is changing…..why aren’t we?

GRANDMA ONCE SAID…. “Sometimes you have to hug people you don’t like….so you know how big….to dig the hole in your backyard”

I’M JEALOUS OF MY PARENTS…..because I’ll never have a kid….who’s as cool, smart….or devilishly handsome as theirs

PRACTICAL ADVICE:…..if all the toilets in your house are occupied…..and you are waiting for one to be free….switch off the wi-fi

AND MY FAVORITE….

THE PROUD BOYS…..hired a documentary filmmaker to record their attempt…..to violently overthrow the government…..they ain’t called the Smart Boys for a reason