THIS NEW GENERATION….does not like working….you could give them a job sleeping….and they’ll wake up and quit
I NEED TO RE-HOME…a dog….it’s a small terrier…..and barks the whole day….if you’re interested….let me know…..and I’ll jump over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you
GOT UP AT…5 am…ran 4 miles….came back….made a vegetable smoothie for breakfast…..did 2 loads of laundry……mopped and vacuumed the floors…..and that’s all I remember about my dream
HONK YOUR HORN…0.4 seconds after the light turns green….and I will shut off my car….lay on your hood….and feed birds for an hour
IF WE IN A RELATIONSHIP…..one of us gotta have good credit….that’s why it called “Significant other”…..(Sign-if-i-can’t)
IF LAZINESS WAS AN OLYMPIC SPORT….I would come in 4th….just so I wouldn’t have to walk up to the podium
CALLING…..bigotry an opinion…..is like calling arsenic a flavor
WHENEVER I SEE CHOCOLATE…..I hear two voices in my head….one of them says….. “Eat the chocolate”….and the other one says….. “You heard her…..eat the chocolate”
IF YOU NEEDED….something illegal done…..which one of your kids would you call….and why is it the second child?
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU…..it isn’t your beliefs that make you a thinker….it’s the ability to change your mind…..when confronted with new information
DON’T BE FOOLED….if Caucasians were truly superior….they wouldn’t have to hide so many truths….perpetuate so many lies…..and work so hard to handicap…..those whom they consider inferior
OVER THE COURSE OF 18 YEARS….it cost over $235,000 for parent to raise a child….and that’s just for alcohol
A FACT….is information without emotion
AN OPINION…..is information shaped by experience
IGNORANCE….is an opinion without knowledge….and….
STUPIDITY….is an opinion that rejects facts
PEOPLE….use “ASAP”….because they can’t spell….. “Imijeatly”
THE HUMAN BRAIN….is a very sophisticated organ…..it works day and night…..from the moment you are born until….you turn on the news
I JUDGED MY FATHER….too harshly for falling asleep on the sofa….at 8pm after work
I DON’T USUALLY LOSE THINGS….but when I do….it’s because my wife moved it
ONE WRONG MOVE….and I’ll go from Cinderella…..to Annabelle within a second
PEOPLE WHO DRINK….Red Bull with liquor….was raised by Hyenas
I PAY ATTENTION….to who reacts to my posts…..because as soon as I get rich….I’m buying you all tacos
THREE GREAT FORCES RULE THE WORLD…..stupidity….fear…..and greed
I’M FLIRTING….telepathically today….so if you start giggling out of nowhere….that was me
ANY MOVIE I WATCH….got 10 minutes to impress me….or I’m turning that shit off
THE USA’S STOCK MARKET….is crashing so badly….it’s almost as if the country is being run…..by someone who went bankrupt six times
I’M DUE…..for a drunk night….where I end up eating chicken….with my eyes closed
THOSE WHO WANT….English to be the official language of the United States….are the same people who don’t know the difference…..between….there….their….and they’re
WHEN I HAVE A HEADACHE….I take two aspirin….and keep away from children….just like the bottle says to do
EVERYTHING THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID…..has already been said….but since no one was listening….everything must be said again
THERE ARE TWO WAYS….to be fooled….one is to believe what isn’t true….the other is to refuse to believe what is true
I’M GOING TO….hang a Batman costume in my closet….just to screw myself….when I get Alzheimer’s
AND MY FAVORITE……
MARRIAGE….is when one person….handles the flight, passports, bag, hotel booking….and the other one asks….. “Where are we going again?”