CHILDREN DO NOT START WARS…..and they cannot end them……but they always pay the highest price

MY LAST RELATIONSHIP….taught me….you can be the whole package….at the wrong address

ANTHONY BOURDIAN….had one of the only shows on TV….that tired with all its might….to teach Americans not to be scared of other people

I NEED $100K….and a hug…..please don’t hug me without the money

WE KEEP….potato mashers in a drawer…..because sometimes….it’s fun not to be able to open that drawer

THE RICH…..would have to eat money….if the poor did not provide food

SOME OF MY MOST PRIZED POSSESSIONS…..are the insults that never left my head

CLAIMING THAT SOMEONE’S MARRIAGE…..is against your religion…..is like being angry at someone…..for eating a donut….because you’re on a diet

I DON’T MISS CALLS…..I stare at them

WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU…..will probably try again

I WENT TO….an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting…..anonymous my ass…..I knew everyone there

INSTEAD….of trying not to offend anyone…..what if we just go back to offending everyone?

UNLESS…..you’re music…..I don’t want to listen to you in the morning

DON’T BELIEVE WHAT YOU SEE IN CARTOONS….no matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger…..it won’t stick to someone’s face…..don’t ask me how I know this

I WILL NOT PRETEND…..to like you if I don’t like you…..I will tolerate you and be civil…..because there’s a difference…..between being adult….and being fake

YOU DON’T REALIZE…..how lonely you are until it’s the end of the day…..and you have a bunch of things to talk about…..but no one to tell them to

IF YOU’RE FOR A BAN….on abortion but against a ban on assault rifles….you are many things….but “Pro Life” ain’t one of them

IF YOU’RE….having trouble falling asleep…..pretend you have to get up in 5 minutes

DON’T WATCH THE CLOCK….do what it does….keep going

AND MY FAVORITE…..

JUST SO WE’RE CLEAR….any party telling you who you can love….what gender you are…..what states you can travel to…..which books you can read….which history you can learn…..what prayers you should say and what you can and cannot do with your body….doesn’t give a fuck about your freedom