….First off…..who in the hell is he?….anyway,….so you wanna buy a planet huh?….out of all the billions of rocks we know about….existing in all the multi-galaxies we know….nothing about….which one do ya want bro?….and which housing/planet selling agency are you dealing with?…..anyway,….let’s say you do buy one….how in the hell do you plan on getting there to decorate it?….Jeff and Richard can get you up in space for about ten minutes….but that’s not gonna be much help….since the nearest non-planet is the moon..…and that’s a tad further….and ten minutes ain’t gonna do it…..oh, you can talk to Elon….I’m sure he’ll lend you one of his Roman candles..…blast you up there….and say good luck..…then there’s the air, and food you’ll need for the journey….plus the space junk you would have to deal with flying around that might crash into your ship..…and let’s not forget….you have to know how to fly the damn thing….maybe the Tesla company can help you with that..…like add one of those “self-driving” and Google Maps apps to the shipboard computer….just ask Elon to add them in….program it towards your planet….and have him blast you straight to it….then you can sit back, chill, smoke some blunt and realize what a dumbass idea this is….but go ahead man….buy a planet….why not….stranger things have happened.
HEY COVID….A Florida woman lost her fiancé, mother and grandmother within 5 days to COVID….the WHO is saying the new Delta virus is a warning and is very concerned that new COVID-19 variants will emerge…..a third of white-tailed deer tested in a survey were exposed to the coronavirus….GOV Andrew Cuomo of New York mandates vaccines or testing for all NYC transit workers…..employers are losing their patience with unvaccinated workers….Israeli scientists are saying COVID-19 could be treated for under $1 dollar a day….Florida has nearly 25 times the number of people hospitalized for COVID than all of Canada….federal assistance teams are arriving in Louisiana hospitals to help with the new influx of COVID-19 patients…..doctors are weighing in on how safe it is for children to go back to school….Canada fines two American travelers nearly $20,000 over false COVID information…..transgender weightlifter….Laurel Hubbard makes history in the Olympics…it didn’t last long but it was very significant…..refugees are pushed to the back of the line when it comes to receiving a vaccine….research into non-injectable COVID vaccines bring hope for needle-phobics….China has accused Australia for the vaccine shortage in the Pacific…..the National Football League’s battle against COVID has no end in sight…..French police are dealing with anti-virus pass protestors in Paris….millions of Chinese citizens are under lockdown due to a major COVID outbreak…..doctors urge pregnant women to be vaccinated against COVID….The American Academy of Pediatrics said as of July 29th…..almost 4.2 million children have tested positive for the virus……and dear America…..
Y’ALL GONNA DIE!…..From stupidity……The Hall of Fame football game….risking your life….and others….because you miss seeing a live game?….Lollapalooza….because you miss seeing live music?….I saw an aerial photo of the crowd….. “ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME????”….really?…..Delta is kicking ass…..just ask Florida….and his boy Lambda….is making an appearance in South America and Asia….still a lot more letters left in the Greek alphabet to name new variants….yeah, we’re having anti-vaxx protest across Europe….but they’re not letting people gather in a stadium to watch a game…..or opening venues so we can see live music….because countries are still paying attention to the virus…..who knows….maybe y’all back home will start paying attention….when we lose another…..500,000+ lives!
FRIEND’S DAY TODAY…..
THEM:….. “I’d take a bullet for my country”
ME:…. “You won’t even take a needle for your neighbor….so sit your ass down”
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW….how rich you are…..find out how many things you have that money cannot buy
UNTIL YOU CAN GIVE ME…..this week’s winning Power Ball numbers….and Mega Million numbers….I will not be taking your advice
PEOPLE ARE UPSET…..at a stores signs that say “MASK ONLY”….now imagine how it felt when it said…. “WHITE’S ONLY!”
A MEMO FROM NEW JERSEY – TO THE OTHER 49 STATES:…. “WE DON’T LIKE YOU EITHER!”
REALITY ISN’T BLACK AND WHITE…..answers don’t have to be yes or no….and absolutely nothing has to happen today
NOTE TO SELF:….do not sit on the floor without a plan on how to get back up
I’M AT A PLACE IN MY LIFE….where I promise you I will not….deal with anything I don’t have to
LET’S TAKE A MOMENT….to be thankful that I don’t own a taser
I’M PRETTY SURE…I only need one more bad decision….and then I’ll own the whole set
8 GUYS IN AMERICA….have more money than 4 billion people combined….but yeah the mom buying groceries with food stamps is the problem
GIRLS SHOULD STOP SAYING…. “All men are the same”…..no one asked you to try them all
I HAVE GOT TO STOP SAYING…. “How stupid can you be?”…..I’m beginning to think people….are taking it as a challenge
A-TISKET…a-tasket….a facemask or a casket
THE NEXT TIME YOUR WIFE GETS ANGRY….drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and say…. “Now you’re Super Angry”…..maybe she’ll laugh….maybe you’ll die
IT’S ALREADY AUGUST….so here’s an update on all the fun…..and crazy things I’ve done this summer….1)…..work!
BELIEVE IT OR NOT….some of your friends and relatives…..secretly hate you
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN….a Dominican, Puerto-Rican…..Jamaican, Haitian….Cuban, Bahamian….and an African-American……is a boat stop
I WILL CLEAN MY HOUSE TODAY….ooh, look…a book!
BEAUTY ISN’T ABOUT HAVING A PRETTY FACE…..it is about having a pretty mind…..a pretty heart….and most importantly….a beautiful soul
PLANE PASSENGER:….How often do planes crash?
STEWARDESS:….Just once
THE LONGER I LIVE….the more convinced I am….that this planet is used by other planets….as a lunatic asylum
LAZY CONFESSION:….sometimes I don’t feel like thawing meat….so I just go buy another pack instead
ALL MY CHILDHOOD PUNISHMENT….have become my adult goals….eating vegetables, staying home, having a nap, going to bed early
THEY INVENTED BRUNCH….so we could have wine with breakfast
UNEMPLOYED PEOPLE…always wanna fight….go punch a clock and knockout 8 hours
IF YOU’RE UNHAPPY….in your relationship but you don’t want to be the one to end it….just start peeing in the bed
WE GREW UP IN AN ERA….where everybody flocked to grandma’s….aunt’s and uncle’s houses…..nowadays, many children don’t even know their cousins
YOU CAN ALWAYS….make more money…but you only have a set number of days….to make more memories
I’VE LOST MY MIND….so if you see it wandering around….just wave hi and pass by….poor little thing needs a break….bless its heart
SOMETIMES…..when you cry nobody sees your tears….sometimes when you hurt….nobody sees your pain….sometimes when your sad….nobody sees your sorrow….but fart just one time!
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE….3 place you can stay for free?….in your lane….out of my business….and over there
I LOVE MY AGE….old enough to know better….young enough not to care….experienced enough to do it right
AND MY FAVORITE:….(Thanks Tom)
EROTIC LITERATURE….
FOR PREMATURE EJACULATORS
Chapter 1…
.She looked at him….
THE END!
AND MY OTHER FAVORITE:
AT WOODSTOCK….the coolest event that ever happened…..JIMI HENDRIX….the coolest guy who ever lived…..played the National Anthem in front of 500,000 progressive….anti-establishment hippies…..and not one of them protested