WITHOUT DEVIATION…..from the norm…..progress is not possible
THE OLDER I GET…..the more I understand…..why roosters scream to start their day
BY 2028…..Millennials and Gen Z will dominate the U.S. elections…..this is why the GOP is banning books…..and screaming about critical race theory……they’re terrified of a progressive generation…..that’s unafraid to speak truth to power
(Keith Richards received a turtle for his birthday)
HE ASKED…. “How old will it get?”
THEY TOLD HIM:…. “About 300 years”…..
KEITH SAID:….. “Now you see why I’m against it…..you get attached to such an animal…..and then it dies”……(I don’t know if Keith said that…..but it fits his persona)
PIECE OF ADVICE?…..It turns out…..that a home DNA test…..is not a good Baby Shower gift
IT AIN’T THE DRYER…..that’s shrinking y’all clothes…..it’s the refrigerator
BEING AROUND……people who don’t cuss…..makes me feel like I’m in an unsafe environment
I LOVE….how companies advertise….. “No payment until 2025”…..like I’m going to have extra money…..in two years
SERIOUS QUESTION…..when someone is telling you a sad story and starts crying….how long should I wait…..before I take a bite of my corn dog?
AS YOU HEAL…..so do your choices
I HATE IT…..when someone I love….is just itching for me….to hurt their feelings
(The movie – Candyman)
CANDYMAN…..didn’t fuck with anybody…..as long as they kept his name out of their mouth……let that sink in
CAN WE GET……10,000 minorities to put in an order to purchase AR-15’s……just to see how fast they change the laws
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY…..nothing wrong with a parent deciding a certain book…..is not right for her child……there is a colossal problem…..with a parent deciding that……therefore, no child should be allowed to read that book
HUSBAND: I gently slid her panties to one side…..so the rest of her socks….would fit in the drawer
WHAT IF…..aliens killed the dinosaurs…..so that their new experiment…..early humans…..can survive on Earth?
JOB INTERVIEW: Can you multitask?
ME: Yeah,…..I can listen….ignore…..and forget at the same time
I JUST REALIZED….. the paper towels by the gas pump…..are for wiping away tears…..after filling your gas tank
NOT ALL GIRLS…..are made of sugar and spice…..some girls are made of adventure…..dark chocolate……whiskey……intelligence…..and cuss words
(around the corner CRISIS HOTLINE)
OPERATOR: Let me get this straight…..your remote control is broken…..and you can’t remember…..how to get from the chair to the TV?
RESTAURANT: Sorry, we are closed due to short staff
ME: Then hire taller people…..I need a taco
SPIRITUAL JOURNEY…. 1- Follow your path….. 2-Let your heart lead….. 3-Try not to step in anything
I HATE…..when I mean to buy seedless grapes….but instead…..I accidentally get Oreos
SOMETIMES…..life just sucks…..the jelly right out of our donut
DEEP THOUGHT FOR THE DAY…..when you clean out a vacuum cleaner…..you become a vacuum cleaner
EXERCISE…..Gives you the energy…..but you need energy to exercise……sounds like a pyramid scam to me
AND THEN…..America was saved by a porn star……THE END
CONGRATS….to Donald Trump on finally winning a majority of votes
THE MOST COMMON….way people give up their power…..is by thinking they don’t have any
ALL MY PASSWORDS…..are protected by amnesia
20-YEARS-AGO…..working as a server, I live in a corner 1bdrm apt……downtown with an amazing water view for $700/a month……a similar apt is now $3,600/a month….more than 5x as much……as a lawyer at age 47…..I am unable to afford living in the apartment…..I did at the age of 27 while waiting tables
IT’S GOTTEN…..to the point that when I turn on the TV app…..and it asks “Who’s watching?”……I want to reply….. “Big brother”
IF COURSE I SPEAK MY MIND…..my head would explode…..if I kept all this bitching to myself
NEVER IN RECORDED HISTORY…..has a four-year-old found his father’s loaded book…..and accidentally killed his younger sister…..but we ban books
AND MY FAVORITE……
I’M….so out of shape that when someone yells….. “Run for your life”…..I’ll be like…. “Nah, y’all go on ahead….I’m going to meet Jesus”