IF SHE FORGIVES YOU….and then 30 minutes later….comes back mad again…..she told her friends in a group chat….and the board of directors did not agree

CAN I SING?….no….do I know all the words to the song?….no….will it stop me from singing the song at the top of my voice?….absolutely not

MARRY THE MAN….who treats dumb questions….like they’re NASA level problems

I DON’T….always feel my phone vibrate….but when I do….it didn’t

“DO NOT TOUCH”….must be one of the scariest things….to read in braille

AUTOCORRECT….just turned “Think of others for a change”….into…. “Think of otters for a change”….and now I agree that’s a better solution

HONESTLY….I’ve changed….not as much as Bruce Jenner…but I’ve changed

I’M HUMBLE ENOUGH…to know I’m replaceable….and sassy enough….to know it’ll be a downgrade

TODAY….I’m wearing pink to raise awareness for….people like me who forget to…separate their red laundry from their whites

HONESTLY….it’s not the way I look that reveals my age….it’s my use of complete sentences when I text

LOOKING BACK AT ALL….the successes and failures in my life….I can’t help but be proud that at least….the potty training thing stuck

ONE THING ABOUT ME…I notice weird vibes….bad energy…and sneaky shit

IF TRUMP….wants a big parade in his honor….all he has to do is resign

MY HUSBAND AND I…..share the household chores….so we both do equal work….for example, he just folded a load of towels….and now I’m going to re-fold them the “right” way

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH….people are going to the moon…and I am still pushing on a door that says pull

EVERY MUSICIAN….you admire once sucked too….keep playing

I COOK WITH WINE….sometimes I even add it to the food

I’M AT AN AGE….where if something starts after 9pm….I’m definitely not going

SHARPENING SCHOOL PENCILS….while standing over the bin…..was the childhood equivalent….of taking a cigarette break

I’M JUST GONNA….put an “out of order” sticker on my forehead….and call it a day

I MIGHT….start booing people during conversations…..I’m not interested in

WHEN….a short person says…. “Nice hair”….check your zipper….immediately

AND MY FAVORITE…..

A TRANS WOMAN….entered the bathroom while I was washing my hands….I told her I like her lipstick….she said she like my purse….she went into the stall….I dried my hands and left….that’s it….that was the entire transaction….I’ve never had a negative interaction with a trans person….men, on the other hand….began harassing me when I was 12