Yeah, that guy…..it’s time for him to go to work again…..for one day when you look at it…..I’m sure Mrs. Claus is happy his ass is out the house……can you imagine having someone under you for 364 days…..no shopping malls in the area…..not even a BFF down the street…..and let’s not forget all those little elves running around…..making noise while they build toys and presents for…..I’m sure by now the Mrs. would call…..a bunch of ungrateful bastards around the world…..and speaking about the elves……where in the hell do they live?……is there a place called Elf-ville up there?……if there is…..no one knows about it…..not even all those satellites up there in space have spotted it…..and that place has to be huge……because there’s no way in hell…..they all live with the Clauses……bad enough Santa doesn’t do shit all year……but if the Mrs. has to take care of him……and those little monsters……that woman has to be smokin’ crack…..or a full blown drunk by now……and back to the elves…..are there any women elves around?……or is it a San Francisco, NYC West Village, Fire Island environment?…..hey, it’s cool with me….I only wanted to know if there were some….Elf-ettes around……even Ike Turner had some Ike-ettes…..anyway,…..back to the elves…..we assume they work all day…..every day……and that’s a lot of work when you think about the fact…..that their boss has to probably deliver stuff to over……6 billion people in one night…..you ever ask yourself if they’re unionized?……if not, that’s some serious slave labor going on……and what would happen if they went on strike due to poor working conditions?…..are they even getting a paycheck?……and where in the hell is the nearest bank for them to cash it?……Nome, Alaska?…..and what do they do for entertainment?……Netflix?…..cause I’m will to bet the ranch that…..there isn’t a strip club or a local bar in the hood……anyway,…..

SANTA CLAUS……PART 2

……Now comes the day when Santa gets up off the sofa…..fly around the world…..delivering joy to strangers…..while smelling deer farts the entire night…..I looked at his flight plan…..and I’m gonna take you through it……it’s not like he can wake up at the crack of dawn and get to work……no, he has to wait until people get tired and sleepy…..so he can do a B&E into your house…..that’s breaking in entering…..and that alone lets you know…..Santa is a White guy…..if Santa was Black……Christmas would be short…..anyway,…..so here’s the flight plan…..first, he hits a little town somewhere in Russia…..flies south down the Pacific Ocean and knocks out a few islands we don’t know….hangs a left…..and goes back up…..while hitting New Zealand, Guam and a few islands we do know……bounce over Siberia…..then comes Japan and Australia…..Singapore, The Philippines……I’m not sure how he’s going to handle China…..since they’re on a serious COVID lockdown……if he goes in, he might not get out…..then there’s Jakarta, South Korea and he better hope Lil Kim in North Korea…..doesn’t shoot a few of those pop bottle rockets at him…..Cambodia, Thailand…..next comes India and that’s gonna take a minute…..because the population is over a billion people…..definitely hang a left and…..well, he’s coming up on a lot of Muslim faith countries…..maybe he’s stop by and visit the kids who believe in him…..and hope the Taliban don’t try to take him out…..with a few RPG missiles…..the Seychelles and Maldives are going to slow him down….that’s a lot of islands to cover but it might not take too long…..the Maldives is also mostly Muslim…..now comes Africa…..right, exactly…..then straight up to Europe…..won’t forget England, Iceland and Greenland…..gotta fly under the radar when he hits Ukraine…..and Russia…..if I were him…..I’d take a break in Rome and have some pasta, red wine and a good burp……one can only drink so much milk and eat so many cookies…..anyway,…..at least he can take a nap while the reindeer are on cruise control toward South America……now this country is going to be a challenge for him…..because Chile takes up most of the west coast…..so I think he might do the zig-zag move across the country…..once he hits Cali, Columbia…..I’m sure the drug cartel will ask him to deliver a few “gifts” across a few borders…..and reward him with a brick of “Columbian Marching Power”…..oh what?…..the night’s long and I’m sure he’ll sprinkle some in the reindeer food just to keep them going……why do you think Rudolph’s nose is red?……anyway,…..now he needs to just drop the gifts at the borders of every country in Central America because only a fool would go there……one country has the army hunting down gang members…..the Caribbean Islands……Cuba…….Mexico…..just deliver the gifts…..and deliver whatever the Mexican cartel wants you to fly across the US border……and you and the flying donkeys will live to see another day…..and once he hits the US border…..he’ll have to deal with customs, immigration, the DEA, Animal Rights people, ICE, the religious people who have a problem with the words Merry Christmas……shady neighborhoods…..and a bunch of other crap……swoop through Canada….no problem there…..Canada’s cool…..and then he’ll probably make his last delivery in Nome, Alaska……hook-up with the elves who cashed their paychecks…..meet them in the local strip club…..share that brick of marching powder he picked up in Cali and get seriously shit-faced…..toss some dollars at the pole dancers…..until he has to fly back home……and get on Mrs. Claus nerves…..for the next 364 days.