I SURVIVED…..reading banned books…..and all I got…..was smarter
EVERYONE YOU MEET…..always ask if you have a career, are married or own a house…..as if life was some kind of grocery list…..but nobody ever ask…..if you are happy
NEVER BEFORE…..has a generation so diligently recorded themselves…..accomplishing so little
I LOVE BEING MARRIED…..it’s great to find that one person…..you want to annoy for the rest of your life
TOMORROW….is national take your children to their aunties house…..tell the others
MY KIDS…..mock me for not understanding technology…..and then they have to Google…..how to boil an egg
YOU DON’T GET SMARTER…..as you get older….there’s just less stupid stuff left…..that you already haven’t done
DARLING….You really don’t need to drive me crazy….I’m close enough to walk
SOMEDAY…..we may be able to terraform Mars…..allowing humans to be miserable…..on multiple planets
STOP TELLING PEOPLE…..that marriage is hard…..they’re not getting married to your stubborn partner…..face your problems alone
I’M PROUD TO BE….everything Fox News hates
CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME…..why a rainbow in a classroom…..is “indoctrination”……but the Ten Commandments isn’t?
I LOVE BEING CALLED….. “WOKE”…..by people who mostly….slept through history and social studies
SO TELL ME….where should I go?….to the left….where nothing is right…..or to the right…..where nothing is left?
I’VE REACHED….an age where my train of thought….often leaves the station without me
THERE’S NOTHING SWEETER…..than hearing a man say those three little words…. “You were right”
YOU MAY NOT…..stay young forever….but you can be immature…..for the rest of your life
DON’T…..let age get you down….it’s too hard to get back up
SOMEDAY…..future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World…..and think it was some bizarre…..mouse worshiping kingdom
IT’S NOT FORGETTING THINGS…..that bothers me….it’s remembering that I’ve forgotten to remember something I can’t remember…..that drives me nuts
HOLD YOUR WIFE’S HAND…..in the mall…..because if you let go she’ll start shopping….it looks romantic….but it’s actually economic
THE TRUTH….is like pregnancy…..you cannot hide it forever
MY LOW FAT DIET…..is really working….the fat’s hanging lower every day
PEOPLE….who work in customer service….should be allowed…..to fight one customer per day
GETTING OLD SUCKS…..I used to wake up…..feeling like a million bucks…..now I feel like a bounced check
SURROUND…..yourself with people…..who fight for you…..in rooms you aren’t in
9 OUT OF 10….husbands agreed that their wives are always right…..the 10th husband…..hasn’t been seen since the study was conducted
I LEARNED…..a long time ago….that reality was much worse…..than anyone’s imagination
NO ONE….can make you upset…..you choose to be
YOU HATE BUD LIGHT…..because of inclusion…..I hate it because it’s weak…..and tastes terrible…..we are not the same
I USED TO RUSH…..to defend myself against false accusations…..but now….I watch to see who believes it….so I know who to cut off first
WE CAN’T SAY…. “Look on the bright side” anymore…..because it’s offensive…..to vampires and people with hangovers
AND MY FAVORITE……
(Wrong text message….)
THIS IS THE LADY…..you thought was your mom….I just wanted to let you know…..your wrong number text was a great Christmas gift for me…..I lost my only daughter around the holidays….so hearing you say “Hey Mom”…..made me feel so good…..and you have a Merry Christmas