LET US ALL…..take a moment to thank earphones…..for helping us ignore…..the stupid people all around us
THE NEXT TIME….you visit someone with Alexa…..secretly say….. “Alexa, set 3am alarm…..with horror movie sound effects”
I’M IN FAVOR….of a law that requires all telemarketers…..to wear a shock collar…..that can be activated…..by pressing the pound key(#)
FUEL PRICES ARE SO HIGH….that I went to the car dealership…..and test drove 3 cars…..to run my errands…..follow me for more money saving tips
GUESS WHO….I bumped into on my way…..to get my glasses fixed?…..everybody
IN AMERICA….we’re told to remember everything but slavery…..remember the Holocaust…..remember 9/11…..hell, even remember the Alamo…..but mention slavery….and everyone loses their damn minds
WITH IT’S…..cowboys and guns and steam train rides…..America became known…..as the land of the free….which must have come as a surprise…..to all the slaves
THE MOST DISTURBING THING….about accidentally waking up at 4am….is realizing some people do this on purpose…..so they can exercise
I NEVER BUY LOTTERY TICKETS…..just look at my dating history….it’s pretty obvious…..I can’t pick a winner
YOU CAN’T….believe everything you hear….but you can repost it
CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION…..I don’t need your issues
DEAR COCA-COLA COMPANY.….No more new flavors….either add the cocaine back….or leave it alone
GIRLS….Develop faster than guys…..because men don’t usually develop breast….until their min 40’s
ENGLISH LESSON:
Tsunami – T is silent
Honest – H is silent
Psychology – P is silent
Knife – K is silent
Wife – Husband is silent
THE CHICKEN AND THE EGG….are in bed….the chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette….the egg says;….. “Well, I guess that answers “That” question
THERAPY….is when you give money to someone…..that tells you not to do something…..that your 26 of your friends….told you not to do for free
DON’T EVER…..be scared to cancel plans with me….because I’ll hop back in bed so fast
EVER BEEN….in a car with someone…..who drives like we got two extra lives?
LIFE….is like a helicopter….I don’t know how to operate a helicopter
I DIDN’T MEAN….to gain all this weight….it happened by snaccident
STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR LIFE…..there’s literally people living in Florida
AND MY FAVORITE…..
SINEAD O’CONNOR….finished her 1992…..Saturday Night Live performance by looking right into the camera…..and tore up a photo of the Pope…..the audience was silent and the country was absolutely furious…..she was criticized relentlessly…..her career in America was over….no one paid attention to what…..she was actually saying about the Catholic Church….and it turns out…..she was totally right…..(R.I.P.)