Q. SHOULD I HAVE A BABY AFTER 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough
Q: I’M TWO MONTHS PREGNANT NOW. WHEN WILL MY BABY COME?
A: With any luck, after he finishes college
Q: WHAT IS THE MOST RELIABLE METHOD TO DETERMINE A BABY’S SEX?
A: Childbirth
Q: MY WIFE IS FIVE MONTHS PREGNANT AND SO MOODY THAT SOMETIMES SHE’S BORDERLINE IRRATIONAL.
A: So, what is your question?
Q: MY CHILDBIRTH INSTRUCTOR SAYS IT’S NOT PAIN I’LL FEEL DURING LABOR, BUT PRESSURE. IS THAT RIGHT?
Á: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current
Q: WHEN IS THE BEST TIME TO GET AN EPIDURAL?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant
Q: IS THERE ANY REASON I HAVE TO BE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM WHILE MY WIFE IS IN LABOR?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you
Q: IS THERE ANYTHING I SHOULD AVOID WHILE RECOVERING FROM CHILDBIRTH?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: DO I HAVE TO HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: OUR BABY WAS BORN LAST WEEK. WHEN WILL MY WIFE BEGIN TO FEEL AND ACT NORMAL AGAIN?
A: When the kids are in college.
MY CRAZY FRIENDS …..
A WISE MAN ONCE TOLD HIS WIFE….nothing, because he is a wise man
DO NOT….try to play crazy with me….I am better at it
I JUST WANNA APOLOGIZE….to the people I called old at 30 when I was 18
I’M NOT HARD OF HEARING….I’ve just heard enough
IF I EVER WIN THE LOTTERY….I’m going to share it with everyone…not the money, I’m just going to tell all of you that I won
IT ISN’T THAT I’M NOT A PEOPLE PERSON….I’m just not a stupid people person
MUSIC IS MY ESCAPE….from all the bullshit in life
THE TONGUE….has no bones….but is strong enough to break a heart….so be careful with your words
IT’S AMAZING…that the National Guard can be deployed to police communities of color in advance of a jury verdict….but not protect the Capitol in advance of an insurrection from which there was advance notice
SOME PEOPLE CAN PEN POINT….everything wrong about you….but when it comes to correcting themselves…the pen doesn’t work
DON’T JUST TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO READ….teach them to question what they read….teach them to question everything
A COVID-19 VACCINE….must be accessible to everyone…..
AGING MAY HAVE SLOWED ME DOWN….but it hasn’t shut me up
“NEVER MIND” MEANS…..you were too stupid to get it the first time….so I give up trying to explain it
IF YOU HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT MY LIFE…..please raise your hand and then put it over your mouth
KEEP CALM??…..when I was on some “US” shit….you were on some “YOU” shit….now that I’m on some “ME” shit…..you trying to be on some “WE” shit….and I don’t have time for that “BULLSHIT”…..
AND MY NEW FAVORITE PANDEMIC SONG….
OH THE VIRUS….outside is frightful….but the weed is so delightful…and since we’ve no place to go….spark a bowl…..spark a bowl…..spark a bowl!
MATT GAETZ IS ROYALLY SCREWED AFTER DAMNING LETTERS ARE LEAKED TO THE PRESS….My man.…. Matt “Da Gnat” Gaetz…..the high school bully..…no one liked…….I want to see the photos…..hear about the drugs, the trips and bribes you took.….every damn thing……calling you a piece of crap would be an insult to flies…..season 5 of The Emperor people…..let’s see what they did for the past four years…..and make sure you get Rip Van Winkle’s cousin…..Ted Cruz up there on the stand while you’re at it…..take his passport so he won’t be able to jet down to Mexico real quick…..and blame it on his kids…..I can’t wait for episode one……it should start with Eric getting arrested.….you know he’s gonna cry like a little bitch….at least it’ll be better than watching…..The Real Housewives of fuckin’ New Jersey or my 600-pound diet!
HERE’S A STORY FOR YOU…..A 79-year-old man from Alberta, Canada attended a beauty school….to learn how to do his wife’s hair….and make-up….a wife of 50-years….because her vision was failing and she couldn’t do it……I love this guy!